La Rosa Knows
Month
There are few moments in life when great things happen, but this morning my friend Ryan sent me the greatest gift of all: a new cat to stalk.
His/her name is Snoopy, and I think shim may be the greatest performing cat of all time, (even better than that jerk, Grumpy the Cat,) here’s why:
1. Sometimes Snoopy dresses like a coy debutante.
2. Other times, it’s a transvestite taking off her eye makeup.
3. But Snoopy can also play it cazh, like when he goes full on tourist overwhelmed at Disneyland.
4. And channeling other animals isn’t a problem, like this shot where she imitates a sea lion bellowing from the inside of someone’s drawer.
5. Look, it’s no secret that this cat’s a pro. Just look at the wink it pulled off WHILE in a bumblebee suit. That’s called talent, folks.
6. I also think it’s pretty impressive that she can do a spot-on impression of the senile old Russian lady in my building.
7. While at the same time manifesting into a ‘50s actress in her dressing room, just waiting for her closeup.
8. Then there’s the harder, more dominating S&M side to Snoopy.
9. While some mornings, Snoopy is all about comfort and, like me, often loses one of her socks.
10. In the end though, when the internet cat points will be tallied, I think we can all agree that this is quite simply: one cute kitty.
The thing about holidays is this: You will run into someone you don’t want to see.
Because whether you’re home for Christmas or…whatever, you’re home. As in, back in the place where you grew up and went to high school.
Here’s a step-by-step guide of what will happen when that moment comes:
1. The Initial Shock
This is the moment when you first notice the other person across the room and instantly regress to the fat fuck you were in high school. It’s okay, you can get through this!!!
2. Realization That You’ve Won
Oh, shit, actually, upon further inspection, they are now the fat fuck and you have aged into your own hotness.
This feels good. Really good. So good that you might start maniacally laughing and thus have to scrunch your mouth tightly together so people won’t think you’re some hot, crazy bitch.
3. Forced Pleasantries
The problem with staring at someone is that, eventually, they’ll feel the coals of your judging hot eyes burning into them like a poker. When this happens you’ll be forced to actually make contact, turn your grimace into a scary smile and avoid talking about the fact that you hated them in high school. And vice versa.
4. Run Like Hell
The faster you leave, the better. Run hard and for as long as physically possible. The last thing you want is to stay too long and get sucked into a vortex where they continue to drink and do something horrifying, like suggest you two hang out again.
5. Go Big or Go Home
You managed to survive a high school hit and run and lived to tell the tale. Get your ass to the store, buy a studded jacket and some cotton candy, because you deserve to celebrate!
As a side note: If I ran into you this Thanksgiving and we went to high school together, don’t worry, this isn’t about you. It’s about that other person I saw at a bar. That time. At that place. In that thing that never happened.
Just as an FYI, it’s spelled Lindsay Lohan.
(Via Meet the Press host, David Gregory)
Some of you have already met George La Rosa, our family’s morbidly obese bearded dragon, but, for those who haven’t, allow me to introduce him.
This lizard came into our lives when my brother adopted him as a pet in college a few years back. In those days, he was actually quite little and enjoyed perching on Robert’s shoulder, like a parrot with scales.
Now he lives with my Mom and Dad and under their care has become, well…fat. There’s just no nice way to say that. They were alerted to George’s weight being an issue earlier this year when they took him to the vet and discovered that a) George is morbidly obese and b) George is not a he, but rather a she.
Since then, Georgina has been on a much stricter diet, (down from 5 worms a day to just 5 a week) and gets plenty of fresh veggies. Additionally, an exercise regimen of walks in the grass coupled with some lizard-style swimming in a shallow bath have been introduced.
Admittedly, the progress has been slow. At times it even seems like Georgina hasn’t lost any of the weight she put on. But, just when I’m starting to lose faith, I’ll watch as she lifts her body and runs across our living room floor at full speed, charging at some unknown enemy. (Maybe obesity?)
It’s something I definitely didn’t see her do a month ago and the fact that she’s gained back that agility means that something is going right.
If you have any words of inspiration for George, or tips, then share them, won’t you?
Thanksgiving is a time for turkey, family and, for cats, reflection.
1. Cat Got Your Tongue?
“Oh, you were expecting a turkey? That’s odd, because I just finished eating, skinning, and wearing the demolished carcasses plumes.”
2. Hello, Natives.
“I suppose you’d like me to share this Fancy Feast with you, but I shant. I just shant. Speaking of, I also shant in the litter box earlier today, so you should consider cleaning that up.”
3. Kitty Houdini.
“The second you turn your back, this will all disappear. Even that precious dark meat you like to save as leftovers. All. Of. It.”
4. Revenge Will Be Swift.
“Go ahead, laugh at the pumpkin head hiding behind an actual pumpkin, but after the turkey induced coma, you won’t be laughing any more. (Hint: It’s because I’ll be clawing off your face!).
5. Pilgrim in Repose.
"My body may still be functioning, but rest assured that my spirit is 100% dead.”
6. Fool Me Once, Shame On You…
“I was told that if I put on this bonnet, dress and bow, that there would be treats. I suggest someone bring those to me post haste, before the turkey gets it.”
7. There’s Only One Word.
“SOON.”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! XOXO, THE CATS
In preparation for each new installment of the Twilight Saga, I like to read the film reviews by Roger Ebert. He is just that awesome.
An Excerpt:
I have now seen something like 10 hours about these vampires as they progress through immortality, and I’d rather see either version of “Nosferatu” that many times.
I recently saw the following headline: Taylor Swift Would Date a Ginger Man.
My initial thought was, “What did you say, bitch?” and I’ll tell you why.
She told Monsters & Critics the following: “I like people with red hair. I would do a ginger. I like Rupert Grint, the guy from the Harry Potter films.”
It’s shocking to me for a few reasons. The first, and perhaps most obvious, being the fact that she “would do” anyone. Seems like something I’d say, when sucking back a scotch on the rocks and Google imaging Magic Mike photos.
The second, and most important thing, being that she would think it’s okay to say something like that. “I like people with red hair. I would do a ginger.”
The thing that strikes me is…WHY is that even a thing to say? “I would do a ginger.” It’s not like she’d say, “I’d do a brunette,” or “I’d do a black person.”
It’s as if having sex with a person who has red hair is taboo, and she’s putting it out there. Like, “You know what I’d do that’s crazy? A ginger.”
What? Excuse me?
Don’t get me wrong, I love glorifying redhead men. I think they are extremely attractive and should be featured in leading male roles both onscreen and in everyone’s personal lives.
But when you go on record, as a celebrity, and say, “I would do a ginger,” it’s not okay. You’re not being edgy. You’re not being cute. And, personally, as a redhead, I find it offensive.
I can tell that what she said was innocuous, in her mind. But there’s also another part of it that feels like what she thought she was doing was giving red haired men the world over a solid.
Unfortunately, that’s not what this is. Paul Thomas Anderson saying, “I have a natural attraction to redheads,” is doing us a solid. Because in that sense, he’s treating it as normally as you would if you asked for someone’s preference.
But when you say, “I would do a ginger,” you’re not some big hero. Saying, “Guess what? I’d do one. I’d do that kid from Harry Potter, for example,” is not treating redheads as if they’re equals. It’s saying that we are different. Different enough that most people would not “do” them, but you would. It’s telling your fans that we’re a separate people, and that in no way is a message that I want to be put out there.
This could be a hyper-sensitive redhead diatribe, but maybe this is also one example in many of why things like Kick-a-Ginger day even exist. Because when you reinforce the idea that a group of people are an acquired taste, it doesn’t lead to inclusion, it leads to exclusion.
What do you all think? Am I just another hot headed redhead or do you hear what I’m saying?
It’s Day 7 of my commitment to writing a novel in 30 days and…I’ve learned quite a bit.
Here’s what I now know:
5. If Lauren Conradcan write a book, then so can I!
Look exactly like this…
No, it won’t be voting. (Though, I will be voting, but that won’t take up the entire month. Just an hour, I hope.)
I recently signed up to participate in my first NaNoWriMo and, for those who aren’t familiar with it, I’ll break it down.
This is a novel writing program that you can sign up for online and encourages participants to spend 30 days and 30 nights devoting all of their free time to writing a novel.
I’ve never done this before, because 1) 30 days is a lot of pressure to write a novel, 2) I have so many other things to do and 3) [Insert pretty much any other lame excuse here].
But the thing is, I could use a fire under me. So, I’m committing to trying this out. Even if I only get 30 pages in 30 days, that’s better than nothing.
Sidenote: I’ll have to write about 6 pages each day to meet the 50,000 word goal. Wish me luck!
Other Sidenote: Do any writers or former NaNoWriMers have any advice?!