La Rosa Knows
Month
You guys, did you know that bears like to be ridden, much like horsies?
I uncovered this true and little known fact while in Big Bear, California this past weekend. Home of Big Bears.
It was E’s birthday, so we decided to head north for cooler and bearier climates.
Of course, the only place to find those bear necessities—old Mother Nature’s recipes—is in the mountains.
We climbed, hiked, and E grew a tree from the top of his head right before mine eyes. (Is he a wizard?! Some sort of voodoo priest?! An elf in a bigger man’s body summoned by Santa to create Big Bear Christmas tree miracles?!)
I didn’t stick around to find out. I had bears to tame and ride off into the sunset.
But, if I’d learned anything from my time with an old Shaman at an Indian casino in Reno it was this: Every bear has its day and, when that day comes, be ready with fire and gummy bears. (The gelatinous versions of their own gooey bodies confuses bears into a state of mild hysteria, typically leading them to run head first into the nearest tree, knocking them unconscious.)
As you can see, I successfully knocked out a whole family of bears. Well, more than just knocked out. Dead is the word, actually.
But look at this lovely lawn ornament their remains were sculpted into! Now, every time I glance out the kitchen window, I’ll forever remember that weekend in Big Bear, when I discovered bears are easier to tame than horses.
Fin.
There’s something to be said for going to the gym. For me, that something is the fact that I get a lot of magazine reading done while I’m trotting on whatever machine I fall onto.
Yesterday, I picked upNew York Magazine, flipped to their real estate section and began to drool uncontrollably over the following.
This former servants quarters converted into a massive parrot playpen
This past weekend I went to Austin, Texas with two of my best friends from college. None of us had been to the state, mainly because we’re afraid of Republicans, but what we found has changed my view of cowboys, Lady Bird Lake and obesity.
Here are the things that shaped my new Austin view:
1. Cowboy boots.
2. Street art.
3. My friends, while extraordinarily beautiful, seemed to glow in the Texas light.
4. This crab cake enchilada.
5. Gospel choirs over brunch.
6. This sign.
7. Also, this sign.
8. Wraparound porches.
9. Bar drinking games, like this hook ‘em horns one.
10. Cornbread muffins.
As some of you know, I’m a writer and often a freelance one.
I’ve been working for various blogs—including Funny or Die, E! Online, Ecorazzi and Wetpaint—for a little over four years now. And, in my slow and steady climb up the blogging ladder, I’ve managed to glean some tips of the trade to pass on to other aspiring writers.
Previously, in Part 1 of my Free Advice to Aspiring Freelance Writers series, I dished out a guide on how to get jobs. What I want to go over now are TIPS—for getting, keeping and growing your prospects.
Tips for Beginners
When you’re first starting out, freelance work typically pays on the low end of the spectrum. Or, at least that was the case for me. My first two jobs I did for free—because I had little to no experience and needed the clippings. Don’t be above taking a free gig to get some credits under your belt, because chances are the people applying for the high paying jobs already have clippings.
If you know someone who’s working (like me), there’s no harm in asking about available gigs or advice. But something to keep in mind is that I get approached a lot. On a weekly basis. Which means that people with better gigs are getting approached daily. Which means you need to stand out. So, if standing out means buying that person a coffee to discuss options—do it. No writer in their writerly mind would turn down caffeine. Plus, I’ve noticed that I tend to work harder for the people who invest a bit in me. (Even if it’s just out of guilt.)
Someone once gave me this wonderful piece of advice: When you’re asked about what you do for a living, do not reply with, “I’m trying to be a writer.” Instead say, “I am a writer.” People won’t take you seriously if you don’t take yourself seriously. Even if you aren’t getting paid to write yet, it doesn’t matter—fake it till you make it. (Right, Neil Gaiman?)
Tips for When You Have the Job
I’ve found this to be especially true at the low paying gigs. Chances are, the editors realize that getting paid $5 for a 200 word piece isn’t going to pay your rent. But, most of the time, if they see you’re kicking ass—they’ll promote you. Or give you a bonus at Christmas. Or a pat on the back. Awesome!
I heard this on NPR, or maybe someone said it out loud in a coffee shop and I overheard them because I’m nosy as hell, but the point is that it’s spot on.
When working in the arts, you can be 2 out of these 3 things and end up OK: Fast, Friendly, Fucking Awesome.
In other words, you can be a total misanthrope—as so many writers are—but as long as you turn in your work on time and it’s quality, you’re good to go. Or, you can be super sweet and write well but take a long ass time to submit, that’s OK too. You get the gist.
In the end, you never know who’s going to help you get your next job. I happily give advice and jobs to people who ask, because one day I may need the same thing and they’ll owe me, because karma deems it so.
Additionally, much like when searching for a job, I make a point to give actual, physical gifts to my bosses. Every man loves a good bottle of scotch, and every woman will appreciate a Starbucks gift card (or, if you’re like me, a good bottle of scotch). Whatever the case, make sure you let the people above you know that you’re grateful to have a job, and they’ll make sure to keep you there—if only for the free hooch.
Has this been helpful and, if not, will you please not tell me that?
Marianna sent me this photo with the following message:
My response, while not as artistically beautiful, is posted below. Her name is Mercury, and she rules the coffee kingdom with a sexy iron fist!I created a Halloween character inspired by you. I’m decorating my office at work. Maggie the Magician is very powerful.
The great thing I’ve learned about bucket lists is this: Once you put it out there, people want to help you accomplish things.
Like this weekend, for example, when I convinced a group of friends to venture two hours outside of Los Angeles to the apple-rich town of Oak Glen.
We spent the afternoon twisting off Red and Golden delicious varieties, along with some Rome and Granny Smiths, then ate barbecue while a live band played, and finished it all off with a jaunt through a corn maze. Or, as my friends liked to call it, the maize maze.
(Side note: Maize Corn mazes are not all that impressive in the daylight, but I can imagine come nightfall they are downright terrifying.)
What I learned through accomplishing this goal is that apple trees are shorter than I imagined them to be. Also, even though I picked a bag full of apples with the intention of baking them into a pie, they’ve mostly served as an afternoon snack, and I’m OK with that.
I also realized that this year alone I’ve managed to cross 5 items off of my list: #17, #32, #39, #45 and #55.
So, I guess I have to figure out which point to tackle next:
1- Swim with sharks
2- Hike in Alaska
3- Host Saturday Night Live
4- Walk across the Great Wall of China
5- Perform standup
6- Write a book
7- Write a play
8- Visit Cinque Terre
9- Learn Italian
10- Learn how to make sushi
11- Go to a restaurant and buy dinner for a random family (anonymously)
12- Start a foundation
13- Volunteer in India
14- See the Taj Mahal
15- Meet my boyfriend (Josh Groban)
16- Feed a village in Africa
17- Sing a song with a live band in front of an audience
18- Party at the Playboy mansion
19- Write an article for The New Yorker
20- Be on NPR
21- Walk in a protest
22- Win an award for teaching
23- Go to Paris for a weekend. Tell no one.
24- Go to the Oscars
25- Be a guest on the Tonight Show
26- Get a PhD
27- Ring the bell at the NYSE
28- Help build a house
29- Go camping
30- Skinny dip
31- Sky dive
32- Travel through wine country
33- Go to the X Games
34- Go to the Olympics
35- Go to the Superbowl
36- Go to the World Series
37- Have a sketch on Funny or Die
38- Teach my mom how to swim (She refuses to learn. I am determined.)
39- Go apple picking
40- Have a sandwich named after me
41- Learn the thriller dance
42- Be on a float in a parade (I rode in a cop car during a parade as a prize for winning a slogan contest. Doesn’t count.)
43- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
44- Carnival in Brazil
45- Zip line in Costa Rica (I’m crossing this one out, as I recently zip lined in California!)
46- Go to Sundance
47- Build a successful website (this one!)
48- Go on a yoga retreat
49- Have/be on a billboard in Times Square
51- Ride in a car with a storm chaser
52- Visit and bet on the Kentucky Derby
53- Get a tattoo
54- Complete the Sunday New York Time’s crossword puzzle
55- Learn how to play chess
56- Take a photography class
57- Visit Forks with Gabby and Kristen, go on Twilight tour
58- Bike across America
59- See a moose in the wild
60- Go to a speakeasy in NYC
61- Make dinner for friends once a month (STARTED)
62- Make Thanksgiving dinner
63- Be backstage at the Hollywood Bowl
Anyone want to help me accomplish one of these things and cross off something of their own in the process?
Look, I didn’t make the rules—this small church in Spain did. 12 of them, to be exact (see #10):
1. Women shall not appear on the streets of this village with dresses that are too tight in those places which provoke the evil passions of men.
2. They must never wear dresses that are too short.
3. They must be particularly careful not to wear dresses that are low-cut in front.
4. It is shameful for women to walk in the streets with short sleeves.
5. Every woman who appears in the streets must wear stockings.
6. Women must not wear transparent or network cloth over those parts which decency requires to be covered.
7. At the age of twelve girls must begin to wear dresses that reach to the knee, and stockings at all times.
8. Little boys must not appear in the streets with their upper legs bare.
9. Girls must never walk in out-of-the-way places because to do so is both immoral and dangerous.
10. No decent woman or girl is ever seen on a bicycle.
11. No decent woman is ever seen wearing trousers.
12. What they call in the cities ‘modern dancing’ is strictly forbidden.
My advice on how to navigate the romantic world on cyber dating.
God help us all.
I often don’t finish things that I start. Especially when it comes to writing.
Inspiration strikes, or whatever, in the middle of the night, and I’ll take to my computer, jot down a couple of paragraphs and hit “SAVE” with the knowledge that someday I’ll return to that project.
As a result, I have countless orphaned one page babies—desperate for my attention and riddled with daddy issues.
For example, this short story I started to write from the POV of an ape in a zoo back in god knows when…
My son urinated on me today. It wasn’t the first time, and undoubtedly won’t be the last, but the way he went about it really irks me. You see, he did it in front of our handlers. In the middle of a show. And I really feel now, looking back, that his intent was that of humiliation.
There I was, hanging from a tree (we have a rather spacious exhibit, not like those savages in the circus), trying to demonstrate my flexibility, when I felt the warm trickle across my back and the cold reality of laughter erupting from the crowd.
I know what you’re thinking: “But what happens to this father-son dynamic?! When will we get to read the full-length version of this tour de force?!”
The truth is, that day may never come, friends.
There are defining moments in everyone’s life where they realize they do, in fact, have a pet peeve. Yesterday, I had one of those moments.
To be clear, I have many pet peeves. Some of which include: dairy left out on the counter, lack of turn signals, men who drive white cars, tourists who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to look at a map, spitting, origami leftovers, and the list goes on.
But yesterday, while driving home from work, I got stuck in a bout of Los Angeles traffic. While not uncommon, it caught me on a day where all I wanted to do was go home, eat an uncomfortable amount of food and sit on the couch for a good long time. Instead, I languished in my Prius and waited for whatever was causing the bottleneck ahead of me to clear.
Then I approached the cause of said bottleneck and discovered that there had been a small fender bender. The two cars involved had decided that rather than pull to the side of the road, like decent hominids, they would remain in the turn lane, thus preventing any through traffic.
That was sweet of them.
My knuckles turned white as they tightened on the steering wheel and I softly muttered horrifying curses in their direction.
This careless traffic jam was not my pet peeve, however, it’s what happened next that really needled my easily irked core. A little song called, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin came on the radio as I waited to pass the pileup. Don’t worry, be happy. Innocent, really, and simplistic in the message. In fact, one could argue it was sound advice considering the situation. Don’t worry about this little hiccup, be happy your car wasn’t hit!
The thing is this: don’t tell me how I should feel, radio. By that song playing, I was unwittingly saddled with an overly optimistic friend who couldn’t understand that I’d had a crap day and needed to wallow in it. There was no sympathy in this friend’s lyrical response, no feelings of camaraderie. Instead, this friend had somehow won the life lottery and all he/she wanted to do was spread the love by whistling a happy little tune. As if life is that simple.Obviously I did the only thing I could and scowled at the radio before shutting it off for good.
Pet Peeve #789,921,045,629,000: Unduly dogmatic songs while stuck in traffic.
Anyone else feel me on this one?
In what might possibly justify a lot of how I live my life…
A new study found that looking at photos of cute baby animals can help boost your productivity. The reason?
One conclusion is that the affective response from seeing something cute heightens our focus. That feeling of “awwwww” is a kind of attention stimulus.
Really? So, kittens yawning is actually good for me? Well, then, don’t mind if I do!
Feel more productive now?
According to Merriam-Webster’s, October is defined as, “The happiest month of the year, when faeries emerge from their moss-covered meadows to sprinkle stardust and candy corn to all the children of the world.”
OK…I may have added some things to that definition, but October is my favorite month of the year and here’s why:
This is the most obvious reason, so I wanted to get it out in the open. I love everything about Halloween—costumes, trick-or-treating, scary movies, etc. I’ll even love the fact that some of you hate this holiday.
Have you ever loved something so much it hurts? That’s me and CC.
Anything punkin flavored, really.
I know that not everyone likes to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, but I do. I really do.
I live in Los Angeles, so we don’t feel a huge shift in the temperature, but it does cool down. And when it does, I am smiling with scarf in hand. Just like that little girl in the above book, but sans the umbrella.
Happy October to you all, I hope it’s filled with terror and sugar!
