La Rosa Knows
Month
Don’t.
From a CNN article (yes, apparently this is news):
“She’s good,” her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, said after visiting the actress at the women’s jail on Wednesday. “She’s eating some Twizzlers.”
Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize
(via thebadcharacter)
Happy Friday to all my real dookie’s.
Okay, so in my Comedic Storytelling class we were talking about Julia Sweeney, that LOL/awesome chick that created the character of PAT on Saturday Night Live. And then we talked about the movie version, It’s Pat, and my teacher told us that Quentin Tarantino had an uncredited rewrite on the script…
I did some research and it seems to be totally true. Also, (and this will shut y'all right up), my professor mentioned that Tarantino had a “thing” with Sweeney.
And then my head exploded.
I’m taking Spanish classes.
Today, Senorita Gloria taught us the words for “Peasant” (campesino), “Gypsy” (gitano), and “Ghetto” (gueto).
Very useful.
I have a bucket list. Because I’m an aging pedophile named Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman.
Some of these things will be crossed off soon, while others may take some time… here’s how it’s shaping up.
1- Swim with sharks
2- Hike in Alaska
3-Host SNL
4- Walk across the Great Wall of China
5- Perform standup (Signed. Sealed. Delivered.)
6- Write a book
7- Write a play
8- Visit Cinque Terre
9- Learn Italian
10- Learn how to make sushi
11- Go to a restaurant and buy dinner for a random family (anonymously)
12- Start a foundation
13- Volunteer in India
14- See the Taj Mahal
15- Meet my boyfriend (Josh Groban)
16- Feed a village in Africa
17- Sing a song with a live band in front of an audience
18- Party at the Playboy mansion
19- Write an article for The New Yorker
20- Be on NPR
21- Walk in a protest
22- Win an award for teaching
23- Go to Paris for a weekend. Tell no one.
24- Go to the Oscars
25- Be a guest on the Tonight Show
26- Get a PhD
27- Ring the bell at the NYSE
28- Help build a house
29- Go camping
30- Skinny dip
31- Sky dive
32- Travel through wine country
33- Go to the X Games (GOT TICKETS!)
34- Go to the Olympics
35- Go to the Superbowl
36- Go to the World Series
37- Have a sketch on Funny or Die
38- Teach my mom how to swim (she refuses to learn. I am determined).
39- Go apple picking
40- Have a sandwich named after me
41- Learn the thriller dance
42- Be on a float in a parade (I rode in a cop car during a parade as a prize for winning a slogan contest. Doesn’t count.)
43- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
44- Carnival in Brazil
45- Zip line in Costa Rica
46- Go to Sundance
47- Build a successful website (this one?)
48- Go on a yoga retreat
49- Have/be on a billboard in Times Square
50- Interview a polygamist
51- Ride in a car with a storm chaser
52- Visit and bet on the Kentucky Derby
53- Get a tattoo
54- Complete the Sunday NYT’s crossword puzzle
55- Learn how to play chess
56- Take a photography class
57-Visit Forks with Gabby and Kristen, go on Twilight tour
58-Bike across America
59- See a moose in the wild
60- Go to a speakeasy in NYC
61- Make dinner for friends once a month (STARTED)
62- Make Thanksgiving dinner
63- Be backstage at the Hollywood bowl
My dream man will read to me in bed.
My friend April came to visit me from New York. We totally had a girly girl weekend of a time, gussied ourselves up, and went to see The Lieutenant of Inishmore because we’re fucking bosses.
That play was seriously funny.
(see below photo of our hotness)
Yesterday, my neighbor, Jeff, and I legit helped to put out a fire that started in the alleyway behind my apartment building. As Jeff put it, “I’m not saying it’s like we heroes. But if we weren’t here, all this shit would be gone.”
I was waiting for my friend April to arrive at my house, and I went outside to see what the weather was like/smoke a cig. As I considered what kind of clothing goes well with heat wave, I saw two little boys chatting by the recycling bins. I turned away, and when I turned back one of the blue bins and all of the paper inside were being devoured by flames.
That’s when Jeff peeled out the side door, screaming, “What da fuck is this shit? Did you see that? Uh uh!” Now Jeff is a fairly intimidating dude. He’s got dreads down to his lower back, weighs at least 190 and clocks in at about 6'3. So, when he said “We gotta do something!” I briefly thought Ehhhh, do we? They pay people for this. But the look in his eyes told me that yes, we really did.
I grabbed two pots from my kitchen, and Jeff grabbed a trash can. We brought them outside and filled them with water from the faucet. Pouring water on the flames gently licking and melting the blue plastic bin did little good. But after 20 minutes of filling, pouring, and refilling, the flames had died down and the fire department was on its way.
While Jeff and I dutifully watched the smoke, he started talking about the homeless people that live behind our building. The only one I’ve ever seen is a tranny who carries a black garbage bag with her at all times. I can see her from the safety of our garage, and each time I’ve seen her she’s had on a different wig. I’m slightly obsessed with her. I want to know what her name is, where she gets the money for all these wigs, and why she doesn’t have any friends. But because she is most certainly on drugs, I’ve been too terrified to approach her.
Thus I was eager when Jeff freely offered valuable information on her. He told me that the tranny used to live in a storage shed behind the building because there were no locks on it. Eventually they kicked her out, and the management found sheets and sheets of cardboard covered with the words “I LOVE BEYONCE! I LOVE PRINCESS DI!” over and over again. I could’ve listened to Jeff talk of her longer, but he moved onto the next one.
It seems that there was an older homeless he used to see in the alleyway. A white dude who seemed “aight” until he got caught sticking his dick in people’s mailbox slots. I am dead serious. Luckily, I don’t have a mailbox slot on my door, so there’s no way he got to mine. Unless he just sort of plopped it on the doorknob?
And then there’s the bum Jeff called the cops on. He would sit in the alleyway at night, scraping a piece of metal on the ground, and scream, “I’m not going to lose!” Jeff looked off into the alleyway when he told that story. “Man, that dude creeped my shit out.”
I was so engrossed in the homeless people tale that I barely noticed the fire department arrive, kick the recycling bin, and tip their hats saying we’d “Done a good job."
Jeff and I picked up our pots and the trash can, and went back inside smelling like a camp site. "I’m sorry we gotta see each other under these circumstances, but now you got a story to tell your friend,” Jeff said as he gave me a high five.
Damn right.