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July 2010

Worrying about Lindsay Lohan?

Don’t.

From a CNN article (yes, apparently this is news):

“She’s good,” her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, said after visiting the actress at the women’s jail on Wednesday. “She’s eating some Twizzlers.”

Jul 30, 201015 notes
#lindsay lohan #lindsay lohan jail time #lindsay lohan cnn article #lindsay lohan twizzlers
Jul 30, 2010
#eating disorder #pretzel #never be too thin
Play
Jul 30, 2010
#meerkat #jezebel #Charlie the meerkat #Britain's Chessington Zoo
Jul 30, 2010
#kanye west #twitter
Play
Jul 29, 2010
#zach galifianakis #between two ferns #funny or die #Steve Carell from The Office #Dinner for Schmucks
“There’s a thousand yous, there’s only one of me.”—Kanye West
Jul 29, 20102 notes
#kanye west #stronger
Play
Jul 28, 2010
#suwanee river #gator party
This is exactly what it sounds like: UGLY PERSIAN HOUSES.uglypersianhouses.com
Jul 28, 2010
#ugly persian houses
Jul 28, 20103 notes
#corbin bleu #zac efron #strip club #LGBT Issues #gay sex #gay marriage #gay #gay hot men #charlie st. cloud #high school musical #vanessa hudgens #new york
Play
Jul 28, 20105 notes
#taylor mali #what teachers make #teaching #slam poetry #performance art
My trigger.
  • James:we'll be having a table read when i return
  • James:that you'll be required to come to
  • me:i would love to!
  • James:wait.
  • James:is this La Rosa?
  • James:...never mind
  • me:i'm cutting my thigh right now
  • James:yay!
  • James:save me the blood
  • James:jk
  • James:i dont want it
Jul 28, 2010
Play
Jul 27, 2010
#quiznos #kitty subs #The Singimal Kittens love our $5 - $4 - $3 Everyday Value Menu
“Who died and made you king of anything?”—Sara Bareilles
Jul 27, 2010
#Sara Bareilles #king of anything #pop music
Play
Jul 27, 20101 note
#dexter season 5 #michael c hall #showtime #Comic-Con 2010 #serial killer #jennifer carpenter
Jul 27, 20101 note
#passive aggressive note
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Jul 26, 2010
#mel gibson #mel gibson makes a great gay boyfriend #mel gibson abusive audio tapes #Randy Rainbow #LGBT Issues #gay #gay sex #gay marriage #gay #hot gay men
Jul 25, 20101 note
#etsy #skull and bows #skullnbows #jewelry #cat bag #tea party #alice in wonderland
If you have never read Jezebel.com's "Crap Email From a Dude," now is your time.jezebel.com
Jul 25, 2010
#crap email from a dude #jezebel
Jul 25, 20101 note
#batman #fat batman #comic-con 2010 #comic-con san diego #comic-con funny photos #comic-con photo of superhero
This is awesome. 7 terrifying prehistoric creatures that still exist.cracked.com
Jul 25, 2010
#cracked.com #sharks #prehistoric #fossil #terrifying #horror #weird animals
Play
Jul 25, 2010
#Mad Men #Mad men season 4 premiere #don draper #betty draper #jon hamm
Too true.
  • Gabby:i like my chicks to look dead
  • Gabby:(then they dont say no)
  • Gabby::)
  • Me:You are right about that!
Jul 23, 2010
Jul 23, 201019 notes
#Fox #etsy #foxy friday
OMG! This lady dresses cats up and takes photos of them! My dream job!pennyspress.blogspot.com
Jul 23, 20101 note
#dressing cats in costumes #cute kittens #cute kitty #funny kitty #kitty wig #kitty costume
Hypnotize Feat. Pamela Long & DiddyThe Notorious B.I.G.

Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize

(via thebadcharacter)

Happy Friday to all my real dookie’s.

Jul 23, 201022 notes
#Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize #TGIF #friday
Jul 22, 2010
#Kim Kardashian #Inception #Twitter
Play
Jul 22, 2010
#beyonce #ali larter #obsessed #great movie fight scene #stilletto
Jul 22, 20103 notes
#redhead #redhead sexy #redhead hair #red head love
Jul 22, 2010
#Josh Groban #josh groban sexy #josh groban mirror #my boyfriend
15 vintage politically incorrect/sexist/racist ads from a day gone by... (Hard to imagine right?)sinn-frei.com
Jul 22, 20103 notes
#vintage ad #racist vintage ad #sexist vintage ad #politically incorrect vintage ad
Woah.

Okay, so in my Comedic Storytelling class we were talking about Julia Sweeney, that LOL/awesome chick that created the character of PAT on Saturday Night Live. And then we talked about the movie version, It’s Pat, and my teacher told us that Quentin Tarantino had an uncredited rewrite on the script…

I did some research and it seems to be totally true. Also, (and this will shut y'all right up), my professor mentioned that Tarantino had a “thing” with Sweeney.

And then my head exploded.

Jul 22, 2010
#saturday night live #julia sweeney #quentin tarantino #it's pat
Jul 21, 2010
#dog sitting los angeles
Jul 21, 20101 note
#tom selleck #commemorative plate
Jul 21, 20101,403 notes
#Michael Jackson #Sham-on-ee #Lost and found #funny image #funny note #passive aggressive note
Play
Jul 21, 2010
#lady gaga #beyonce #kidz bop #telephone #video #kids #karaoke
SCIENCE! New miracle gel protects women from HIV. Mostly.washingtonpost.com
Jul 20, 2010
#HIV #AIDS #Miracle gel #washington post #aids vaccine
Play
Jul 20, 2010
#pug singing batman
Jul 20, 20104,006 notes
#fortune 500 company #passive aggressive note #lemonade stand #comic sans
Hablo un poco de Espanol.

I’m taking Spanish classes. 

Today, Senorita Gloria taught us the words for “Peasant” (campesino), “Gypsy” (gitano), and “Ghetto” (gueto).

Very useful.

Jul 20, 2010
#Spanish classes Los Angeles #Beverly Hills Lingual Institute
“You got to give a little love, to get a little love.”—Rilo Kiley
Jul 20, 20103 notes
#rilo kiley #give a little love #under the blacklight
Play
Jul 20, 2010
#michael buble #just haven't met you yet
The Final Countdown.

I have a bucket list. Because I’m an aging pedophile named Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman. 

Some of these things will be crossed off soon, while others may take some time… here’s how it’s shaping up.

1- Swim with sharks

2- Hike in Alaska

3-Host SNL

4- Walk across the Great Wall of China

5- Perform standup (Signed. Sealed. Delivered.)

6-  Write a book

7- Write a play

8- Visit Cinque Terre

9- Learn Italian

10- Learn how to make sushi

11- Go to a restaurant and buy dinner for a random family (anonymously)

12- Start a foundation

13- Volunteer in India

14- See the Taj Mahal

15- Meet my boyfriend (Josh Groban)

16- Feed a village in Africa

17- Sing a song with a live band in front of an audience

18- Party at the Playboy mansion

19- Write an article for The New Yorker

20- Be on NPR

21- Walk in a protest

22- Win an award for teaching

23- Go to Paris for a weekend. Tell no one.

24- Go to the Oscars

25- Be a guest on the Tonight Show

26- Get a PhD

27- Ring the bell at the NYSE

28- Help build a house

29- Go camping

30- Skinny dip

31- Sky dive

32- Travel through wine country

33- Go to the X Games (GOT TICKETS!)

34- Go to the Olympics

35- Go to the Superbowl

36- Go to the World Series

37- Have a sketch on Funny or Die 

38- Teach my mom how to swim (she refuses to learn. I am determined).

39- Go apple picking

40- Have a sandwich named after me

41- Learn the thriller dance

42- Be on a float in a parade (I rode in a cop car during a parade as a prize for winning a slogan contest. Doesn’t count.) 

43- Mardi Gras in New Orleans

44- Carnival in Brazil

45- Zip line in Costa Rica

46- Go to Sundance

47- Build a successful website (this one?)

48- Go on a yoga retreat

49- Have/be on a billboard in Times Square

50- Interview a polygamist

51- Ride in a car with a storm chaser

52- Visit and bet on the Kentucky Derby

53- Get a tattoo

54- Complete the Sunday NYT’s crossword puzzle

55- Learn how to play chess

56- Take a photography class

57-Visit Forks with Gabby and Kristen, go on Twilight tour

58-Bike across America

59- See a moose in the wild

60- Go to a speakeasy in NYC

61- Make dinner for friends once a month (STARTED)

62- Make Thanksgiving dinner

63- Be backstage at the Hollywood bowl

Jul 19, 20102 notes
#bucket list #Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman #SNL #Cinque Terre #Josh Groban
Play
Jul 19, 20103 notes
#porcupine thinks it's a puppy #Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center

My dream man will read to me in bed.

Jul 19, 2010
“My roommate and I were talking about how everyone secretly likes to be objectified. But I started thinking, and I really don’t think you like it.”—David (about me, and it’s all too true)
Jul 19, 2010
Fucking Bosses.

My friend April came to visit me from New York. We totally had a girly girl weekend of a time, gussied ourselves up, and went to see The Lieutenant of Inishmore because we’re fucking bosses.

That play was seriously funny.

(see below photo of our hotness)

Jul 19, 2010
#The Lieutenant of Inishmore #Mark Taper Los Angeles #Chris Pine #Olivier Award-winning and Tony Award-nominated Martin McDonagh
Shark Week is only two weeks away. I'm so excited I might vomit. I mean it.dsc.discovery.com
Jul 17, 20101 note
#Shark week discovery channel #shark week discovery channel 2010
“You got a run in your panty-Hoes, Even your daddy knows, that you sucking down chocolate like daddy-os.”—Ludacris
Jul 17, 2010
#Ludacris
Jul 17, 2010
#vampire books #twilight #stephanie meyer #team edward #young adult fiction
Heroes.

Yesterday, my neighbor, Jeff, and I legit helped to put out a fire that started in the alleyway behind my apartment building. As Jeff put it, “I’m not saying it’s like we heroes. But if we weren’t here, all this shit would be gone.”

I was waiting for my friend April to arrive at my house, and I went outside to see what the weather was like/smoke a cig. As I considered what kind of clothing goes well with heat wave, I saw two little boys chatting by the recycling bins. I turned away, and when I turned back one of the blue bins and all of the paper inside were being devoured by flames.

That’s when Jeff peeled out the side door, screaming, “What da fuck is this shit? Did you see that? Uh uh!” Now Jeff is a fairly intimidating dude. He’s got dreads down to his lower back, weighs at least 190 and clocks in at about 6'3. So, when he said “We gotta do something!” I briefly thought Ehhhh, do we? They pay people for this. But the look in his eyes told me that yes, we really did.

I grabbed two pots from my kitchen, and Jeff grabbed a trash can. We brought them outside and filled them with water from the faucet. Pouring water on the flames gently licking and melting the blue plastic bin did little good. But after 20 minutes of filling, pouring, and refilling, the flames had died down and the fire department was on its way. 

While Jeff and I dutifully watched the smoke, he started talking about the homeless people that live behind our building. The only one I’ve ever seen is a tranny who carries a black garbage bag with her at all times. I can see her from the safety of our garage, and each time I’ve seen her she’s had on a different wig. I’m slightly obsessed with her. I want to know what her name is, where she gets the money for all these wigs, and why she doesn’t have any friends. But because she is most certainly on drugs, I’ve been too terrified to approach her.

Thus I was eager when Jeff freely offered valuable information on her. He told me that the tranny used to live in a storage shed behind the building because there were no locks on it. Eventually they kicked her out, and the management found sheets and sheets of cardboard covered with the words “I LOVE BEYONCE! I LOVE PRINCESS DI!” over and over again. I could’ve listened to Jeff talk of her longer, but he moved onto the next one.

It seems that there was an older homeless he used to see in the alleyway. A white dude who seemed “aight” until he got caught sticking his dick in people’s mailbox slots. I am dead serious. Luckily, I don’t have a mailbox slot on my door, so there’s no way he got to mine. Unless he just sort of plopped it on the doorknob?

And then there’s the bum Jeff called the cops on. He would sit in the alleyway at night, scraping a piece of metal on the ground, and scream, “I’m not going to lose!” Jeff looked off into the alleyway when he told that story. “Man, that dude creeped my shit out.”

I was so engrossed in the homeless people tale that I barely noticed the fire department arrive, kick the recycling bin, and tip their hats saying we’d “Done a good job." 

Jeff and I picked up our pots and the trash can, and went back inside smelling like a camp site. "I’m sorry we gotta see each other under these circumstances, but now you got a story to tell your friend,” Jeff said as he gave me a high five.

Damn right.

Jul 17, 20101 note
#beyonce #princess di #los angeles fire department #west hollywood #homeless people
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