La Rosa Knows

Last night was spent with 2 glasses of wine, so I want you all to bear with me on this little epiphany I had:

When I was in my early 20s I remember thinking, “This really sucks, but it’s better than high school sooo…At least there’s that?”

At 22, I wasn’t living at home, could have liquor freely sitting out on the counter and enjoyed the luxury of eating gummy bears in large quantities at my discretion (sometimes even for breakfast!!!).

My apartment was a 2 bedroom that had been converted into a 4 bedroom with random girls I’d met off of Craigslist. One of them cried a lot, with the door open and sometimes in the shower. I was a lowly assistant to an editor beast at Random House and put all of my whiskey diets on a credit card that I knew I very well couldn’t afford.

My hair was short, like Posh Spice short. In fact, I remember going to a hairdresser in midtown with a photo of Victoria Beckham’s blunt cut that I’d printed out at work and telling them to, “Make me look like her!!!”

I wore ballet flats everywhere because my feet couldn’t muster the strength or class to teeter around Manhattan in heels. I was starting to explore what it meant to be an adult and have responsibilities like paying bills on time, even though I rarely did. I wasn’t dating but enjoyed ogling men with beards and smelly coats in bars. I had no idea what the hell I was doing with my life, but I knew that I was an adult and had to do something and at the time in spite of hating my job, the weather and my tiny apartment, that all seemed like the right course.

Cut to last night, in my 27th year of life, when I am out celebrating the fact that my friend has just landed a job as an executive at Warner Brothers and I can’t help but think that I finally understand that this is what Kathy Griffin means when she records a PSA for the It Gets Better campaign because, in fact, things do improve. (She was talking about my life as a straight, white girl, right?)

I have a job that I really love going to everyday and makes me feel creative and useful. I love my parents and we’ve come to great place where they seem to actually accept that I’m not becoming a doctor when I grow up—especially looking back at my early 20s when they didn’t understand what a career in writing meant. I’ve let my red hair grow out and dress in a way that flatters a lady of 5'2. I’m living in a city where it’s always sunny (and not Philadelphia) and, even though I’m not a huge fan of sand, allows me to venture to the beach, if I so choose.

My friends are succeeding in their careers and that makes me want to do the same. I work hard, but not because it’s what I’m supposed to do but because it’s what I want to do. I’m lucky enough to not have to struggle for money and fortunate enough to have free time to indulge in things I love, like scouring Buzzfeed for photos of cats.

I’ve figured out the types of men to avoid at all costs (mainly the ones I used to stare at in Brooklyn bars) and the types who are worth my time (I’m dating someone now who fits that description).

What I’m trying to say is that I realized that I am the happiest I have ever been. Out of my whole life. Ever.

Each year I seem to get a little less clueless and a little more put together. You couldn’t pay me to go back to high school and, while I really loved college, I like my life in L.A. better.

I’ve heard that people are happiest when they’re in their 60s, because it’s those golden retirement years, you have nothing to do but travel and you’re no longer some angst-riddled 20something.

It’s true, like that show Girls says, that your 20s are really tough. I’m still in them, but I think the closer I inch to 30 the better life is getting.

My point? It gets better, 21 year olds! Hang in there babes! Stop taking daily Instagrams of yourself, though! K?

I’m not saying that President Obama won’t win the 2012 election—heck, I’ll be voting for this guy right next to all of the other diehard, froyo eating liberals.

But if he doesn’t…I’d hate to see him bored. Here’s what I’d suggest, as his future career counselor.

1. Unicorn trainer

As soon as you come out in support of gay marriage, the homosexuals gift you a unicorn.

And the ability to shoot rainbows from your wrists, like a gay Spiderman.

2. Wedding Singer

Contrary to popular belief, Barack didn’t get into Harvard because of stellar grades, his minority status or that excellent head of hair.

It was his ability to sing “Sexy Back” better than Justin Timberlake.

3. That job that Aaron Eckhart has in Thank You For Smoking

I’d buy cigarettes from that guy, probably.

(Probably?)

It’s Jim Henson, people. He and his writing partner Jerry Juhl worked on this live-action screenplay in the late1960s and early ’70s. Then the Muppets broke out and Henson got distracted by a certain Snuffalupagous… and decades later, his breakneck desert adventure surfaces as a graphic novel.

via Book Riot

Just got the following email from a redhead friend about the movie BRAVE:

Dear brethren,

For far too long, we have been picked on and discriminated against for no reason beyond our lustrous locks. Thankfully, we have finally stepped in and claimed our rights, ending such atrocities as kick-a-ginger day, as well as others far too vile to even mention. But for all our advances, we’ve been stymied in one important region: role models. Yes, there’s

Lucille Ball, but we need more, damn it! We need someone we can look up to, someone we can get behind and believe in! And we’ve just never had that chance! Until now. With the release of BRAVE comes what we gingers need, have always needed: a ginger hero!  With that in mind, I invite you all to join me at a screening of BRAVE. (Feel free to bring a muggle if you must - an S.O. or a friend sorely in need of ging-ucation.)

Obviously, I’m beyond excited to see this! Has anyone else seen it yet?

Bill Clinton may have started the game, but he certainly isn’t the only politician taking vulnerable cigars/spoons/cucumbers and using them for nefarious sexual acts.

This is an epidemic we need to put an end to, people!

Need proof? See below.

Newt Gungrich Gingrich.

It’s not hard to see what I’m talking about here, the real question is who’s about to regret walking into a closed room with Newty “Trigger Finger” Gingrich?

George Bush.

Corn on the cob. On the coooobbbbb. That poor husk can’t even defend itself. Think about that, constituents.

Mitt Romney.

PUT MY FRIEND DINO FLINTSTONE DOWN, Romney!

See what I mean?

As some of you may know, I write recaps for E! Online and their latest and greatest shows. This involves at least 3 hours each week where part of my job is watching TV for work.

Yeah, life is, like, super hard.

I’ve come to realize that in the process of watching episodes before they air, I go through a series of fairly standard emotions. These are the stages of my weekly emotional tailspin.

STAGE 1: MMM HMMM

This is the beginning of the show, where it seems like there might be a lot of potential turmoil but as I’ve yet to see any evidence I remain skeptical.

STAGE 2: :::SCREECHING BRAKES SOUNDS:::

Woah, hold up, Tyler Shields said what to Dina Eastwood?!

STAGE 3: IT’S HAPPENING

The drama is really happening y'all!!!

And I can do nothing but remain riveted to the screen and type until my fingers bleed!!! I do it all for E!!!

STAGE 4: <3

Ohhhh, OK. Not all hope is lost? No one is going to pull a Nomi in Showgirls and leave the family for good to pursue Vegas dreams?!

You got me good, guys, here’s winking at ya.

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE AND WITHDRAWAL

That was a really great episode of [INSERT SHOW NAME]! Imma write something real nice like if you promise to give me more of the above?!? K, thx biiiii

Anyone feel the same way/have the same facial expressions when they watch TV? No? Just me?

It’s a funny thing about diaries—they’re not meant to be read by anyone else but you.

Unless you’re a masochist, like me, and sign up for a show called Mortified where people volunteer to get up onstage and read the horrifying things they wrote in childhood.

Next Wednesday, June 20, I will be performing in this series.

I’d encourage anyone in Los Angeles to come out and watch, especially since the show’s creator, David Nadelberg, told me he’s having a hard time picking which humiliating story of mine I should tell.

Did I say to come to this show? I meant don’t come, please don’t come and laugh at me.

Over the weekend I went to the Cinespia screening of Nightmare on Elm Street, which was really fun because there was a dude dressed as Freddy Krueger running around and scaring the hell out of everyone.

But, before the movie, my friend Allie mentioned this little article she’d seen on Gawker called, “I’m a Gay Mormon Who’s Been Happily Married for 10 Years.”

Oh boy, this one’s a doozie!

Behold: Josh Weed—family therapist, blogger and openly gay man married to a woman.

This is definitely an article everyone should read and then try to have made into a Lifetime Made for TV movie but, until then, here’s an excerpt:

If you’re married to a woman, how can you really be gay?

This is a really good question and I can see how people can be confused about it. Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy…. the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

It’s that time of year where I revisit the Bucket List I made for myself in an effort to try and cross off more things.

Recently I crossed off #45—originally I pubbed it as “Zip Lining in Costa Rica” and, while it wasn’t in Costa Rica, I did go zipping in California.

It was over this past weekend when I went to the Navitat Canopy Adventures in Wrightwood, CA with a group of friends. Wrightwood is an adorable, quaint little town with bars called whimsical things like, “Grizzly Bear Point” and “Evergreen Lookout,” because that’s what small towns do to lure in suckers like myself.

We hiked up a mountain, went on 10 zip lines, repelled down the side of a tree three times and ended things with a free fall from a tree. It was a super fun 4 hours but also exhausting and I managed to get a cut on my leg. Which, according to the tour guide, “never happens.”

Now that I’ve crossed something off it’s time to plan for the next one. Here are the remaining possibilities:

1- Swim with sharks

2- Hike in Alaska

3- Host Saturday Night Live

4- Walk across the Great Wall of China

5- Perform standup

6-  Write a book

7- Write a play

8- Visit Cinque Terre

9- Learn Italian

10- Learn how to make sushi

11- Go to a restaurant and buy dinner for a random family (anonymously)

12- Start a foundation

13- Volunteer in India

14- See the Taj Mahal

15- Meet my boyfriend (Josh Groban)

16- Feed a village in Africa

17- Sing a song with a live band in front of an audience

18- Party at the Playboy mansion

19- Write an article for The New Yorker

20- Be on NPR

21- Walk in a protest

22- Win an award for teaching

23- Go to Paris for a weekend. Tell no one.

24- Go to the Oscars

25- Be a guest on the Tonight Show

26- Get a PhD

27- Ring the bell at the NYSE

28- Help build a house

29- Go camping

30- Skinny dip

31- Sky dive

32- Travel through wine country

33- Go to the X Games

34- Go to the Olympics

35- Go to the Superbowl

36- Go to the World Series

37- Have a sketch on Funny or Die

38- Teach my mom how to swim (She refuses to learn. I am determined.)

39- Go apple picking

40- Have a sandwich named after me

41- Learn the thriller dance

42- Be on a float in a parade (I rode in a cop car during a parade as a prize for winning a slogan contest. Doesn’t count.)

43- Mardi Gras in New Orleans

44- Carnival in Brazil

45- Zip line in Costa Rica (I’m crossing this one out, as I recently zip lined in California!)

46- Go to Sundance

47- Build a successful website (this one!)

48- Go on a yoga retreat

49- Have/be on a billboard in Times Square

50- Interview a polygamist

51- Ride in a car with a storm chaser

52- Visit and bet on the Kentucky Derby

53- Get a tattoo

54- Complete the Sunday New York Time’s crossword puzzle

55- Learn how to play chess

56- Take a photography class

57- Visit Forks with Gabby and Kristen, go on Twilight tour

58- Bike across America

59- See a moose in the wild

60- Go to a speakeasy in NYC

61- Make dinner for friends once a month (STARTED)

62- Make Thanksgiving dinner

63- Be backstage at the Hollywood Bowl

Anyone want to help me accomplish one of these things and cross off something of their own in the process?

SPOILER ALERT: Snow White (aka Kristen Stewart) eats a poisoned apple just like in the photo above!!!

Last night I paid $15 to go see Snow White and the Huntsman.

I guess you could say my expectations were fairly high. I mean, Snow White is like, sooo hot right now! She’s in every movie and little tweens the world over are already planning their slutted up versions of the costumes for Halloween.

That being said, if there was a star system on this blog and 5 stars meant impressed to the point of getting a tattoo about it on my back whereas 1 star means that I had to take a shower to erase the memory of it…I’d give this film a 2.5.

Let me explain:

What I Liked:

-The costumes, designed by Colleen Atwood who did Edward Scissorhands and Big Fish, among others, were truly phenomenal. Really rich and textured, especially when it came to those worn by Ms. Charlize Theron.

-The best scenes happened when something was enchanted. In other words, the scene in the dark forest and the fairy underworld were my favorite. Not necessarily because the writing was great or the acting, for that matter, but it was visually interesting and enchanting. I liked seeing mushrooms with little blinking eyeballs and a branch that turned into venomous snakes. How fun!

-The 7 dwarfs. Admittedly, their entrance felt utterly bizarre and uncomfortable in that it felt a little offensive to see these little people dressed in what were essentially sprite clothing. However, those dwarfs are in the original fairytale so I soon got past the discomfort and was able to enjoy them for the comic relief and the fact that when put in a scene with the abysmal acting of K.Stew, they tended to shine.

-Charlize Theron is kind of amazing, always.

What I Disliked:

-The opening of the film felt a bit forced. It was like the filmmakers were going for a fairytale vibe and abandoned it in later drafts, but the scenes before we see Snow White all grown up were accidentally left in.

-Queen Ravenna’s creepy Children of the Corn-like brother, Finn, who was borderline incestual and very much unintentionally comical.

-The writing in general just wasn’t at all solid. I’m not even sure all of the plot made sense. How come no one addressed the fact that Snow White had been in a coma once she woke up? Was there a real love triangle at all, ever? Who does Snow White end up with in the end? Why did Snow White’s father marry Ravenna the day after he met her, couldn’t he have waited a month like a normal crazy person?

-The film was 127 minutes long but felt longer, like, really long.

-Was the character of William even needed? It felt tacked on, especially since he doesn’t do anything romantically even though he’s set up to be a love interest in the beginning.

-There seemed to be a lot of cutaways to shots of Queen Ravenna cackling to herself or looking haggard. It’s like, we get it, this bitch likes to drain pretty gals of their beauty and talk to herself in mirrors. Enough.

-I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that while Chris Hemsworth is a looker, I prefer his younger brosef, Liam Hemsworth.

-Kristen Stewart. I’m sorry, but this chick cannot act. Also? Let’s not even pretend like she’s somehow more beautiful than Charlize, that’s just not at all a thing.

Those are just my thoughts, folks, and that’s why this film only gets a 2.5 Star rating from me.

Anyone care to agree and/or disagree?