13 posts tagged men
This post is for you.
Quick, someone fetch me my smelling salts!
I should know, I was on it. Buh duh bump! Annnnnd I met my boyfriend through it. Cha cha ching!
But, in all seriousness, online dating be crayyy-zay.
No one knows this better than my friend, who shall remain nameless—per her request. Yet, for my own amusement, has been sending me updates as she navigates the world of Internet weirdos.
These are some of those weirdos.
1. Man whose photos suggest he might be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs
2. Guy who wants to sound pretentious and smart
- This is a direct quote: “Most private thing willing to admit: Every time I fly, I stare out the window and look at what we have created and accomplished”
3. Gentleman who needs to be schooled on hair maintenance
4. Dude who actually said this: “First thing people notice about me: My presence” and then used the below photo. He’s not wrong.
5. Freaky fetish guy having a moment on a trunk
- “Most private thing I’m willing to admit: I dream of dating a woman with a wild or androgynous haircut. The rude girl haircut, dreadlocks, a single side buzzed while the top and opposite side are long and sleek. Homer is to donuts as I am to freaky hair!”
6. The Zombie who loves JESUS
- His message to my friend: “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. I don’t really want to talk to you about Jesus. I just imagine pretty girls like you who get swamped with messages need a good opening line to get your attention. You’ve read this far. Might as well read my profile and see how much we have in common.”
Happy dating, folks!
Sing to me, Michael Fassbender. Sing to me like one of your French girls.
“Advice From a Girl: How to Scare Off a Girl”
Take my advice, fellas.
MEN READING THIS: I only say these things to let you know what not to do. This is me, doing my part to better the species, or whatever. Plus? If you do this thing I’m about to describe, chances are you’re not gonna get laid. You’re welcome, that is all.
After some girl talk I had this weekend, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no bigger turnoff than when someone belittles an accomplishment you’ve made (work/personal/or otherwise) and makes you feel like you’re somehow less than they are.
A lot of my friends are going through this with guys they’re seeing, and I totally get it because I’ve been there too. You’ll be having what you think is a fun conversation and mention a highlight of the week, and the other person makes some offhand comment that leads you to believe what you’ve said is silly. It’s just shitty.
I’ll give you an example from my own experience.
I was dating this guy who was, admittedly, a shit. I happened to mention that my comedy troupe at the time had a video that landed on the front page of the Huffington Post. This was a huge deal for us. It was the first video we’d made, and all of a sudden we had thousands of hits and a ton of exposure. Yay! I was really proud of that. True, it wasn’t like our video was on TV (the industry he worked in), but it also wasn’t on some dinky website either. People actually know the name Huffington Post, okay? Wow, look at me, getting riled up just thinking about this. Grrrr.
Anyways, after I’d mentioned this small feat, he turned away and laughed (!!!), then mumbled, “Huffington Post, yeah you guys are huge now.”
Excuse me? Excuse me? Wait, excuse me?
This seemed like a particularly cruel jab, seeing as he was much more successful than I was at the time, and he didn’t need to put me down. I’m not sure why he thought that was an okay thing to say, but the fact is that he did say it. And that comment told me everything I needed to know about who he was as a person.
If someone actively tries to make you feel insecure, it means that they’re deeply broken and need to make you feel as badly as them. When you can’t be happy for someone, especially for the small moments, then you’re either a) An extremely insecure person who assumes anyone else’s success could mean the end of your own, b) Miserable and jealous to the point that you have to disguise it as condescension, or c) A sociopath.
I think this guy was the latter, and things ended pretty quickly after that. This is one example in many, mind you, of people I’ve encountered who have completely lost my respect by making comments like these.
So, what should you do when confronted with one of these unbelievably awful sitches? Well, there’s one foolproof plan that will not only clue them into how idiotic they sound, but will make you look like the confident, successful person you are. Here it is:
WHERE ARE THESE MEN AND HOW CAN WE TRACK THEM DOWN?!?!
When it comes to fighting, it’s my firm belief that men have absolutely no idea what actually pisses women off. Because if they did, I wouldn’t be half as mad as I am most of the time. Unfortunately, this leads to some confusion because, being the evolved and intelligent person that I am, I have a tendency to assume the same type of insight from my male counterparts.
This is where I would be wrong. You see, women give men too much credit. We assume that men analyze and decipher situations in the same way we do. Where we consult friends, our mothers, relationship books, and the almighty power of Google, men do no such thing. In fact, they usually do the opposite. In that they quickly forget about a fight soon after it’s ended.
It’s different for women, however. We never forget. And I mean that in the same way that Glenn Close won’t let Michael Douglas forget that they had sex in Fatal Attraction even though he clearly will never leave his wife, kind of way.
As such, I’d like to do the dudes of the world a solid and outline what ACTUALLY pisses women off. Even though you may think it’s her “period,” we actually tend to be a littttle more complicated. See below.
How to piss your Lady off:
- Thinking that a “date” includes your friends. Call me old fashioned, but the easiest way to turn me on is to DEFINITELY invite all of your friends out to dinner with us. I will FOR SURE want to play with your balls after they tell stories about the frat you all barfed in that one time. Oh, and after dinner, please take us to that dive bar where it smells like stale chicken wings. That always makes my bra pop off.
- Laugh at something your ex posted on your FB wall. That’s right fellas. Believe it or not we don’t want to know anything about your past relationships. We realize it may be necessary for you to tell us every gory detail – like how you guys tried anal one time but she stopped you before it got all the way in (true thing I was told, as a sidenote) – because men are emotionally repressed and have no one else to turn to. But take it from me, go see a fucking therapist. It will be worth every penny when we don’t have to imagine all of the other holes you’ve poked around in.
- Skid Marks. Look, I’ve never been the victim of a skid mark sighting… but I know they exist from watching R-rated movies. Bottom line: If you can’t figure out how to wipe your own ass, Imma be hella angry that I’m dating you.
- Wearing that ugly-ass shirt… again. Yes, you just looooove that football team from your old college, or whatever. But that shirt has a hole in the armpit and the stench of keg beer won’t come out no matter how many times you wash it. Time for a new shirt, guy.
- Falling asleep instead of having sex. Maybe all of my friends got an extra dose of slut on the way out of the birth canal, but every gal I know loves sex. Like, wants it all the time and can’t get enough. Only problem? Dudes talk a lot of game but rarely are able to perform as much as we’d like.
- Not Being Jon Hamm. Seriously guys, get it together. Brush your fucking hair, grow a five o'clock shadow, become incredibly mysterious, eat something. Just be Jon Hamm.
I’ve been in Los Angeles for three years now. And, in that time, I’ve done my fair share of dating. To add to my knowledge I’ve also taken free drinks at bars from men I had no intention of ever sleeping with… oops!
brothels venues of West Hollywood, Silverlake, Los Feliz, Downtown, Beverly Hills, Venice, Santa Monica and Hollywood, I’ve encountered all of the dregs of men that Los Angeles has to offer. These men can be deceiving, as they physically appear to be healthy and fit for the duty of dating…. But don’t be fooled, ladies! These males are to be avoided AT ALL COSTS.
Awfulus Agentus (aka CAA Agent Trainee): You may notice that he’s the only one in the bar wearing a suit. He’ll introduce himself with the line, “What do you do for work?” and buy you a red wine before jumping into a gripping story of how he once met Eli Roth in an elevator.
The Gym Rat: He only wears sleeveless shirts. You’ll find him by the closest mirror where he’ll pretend to listen to what you’re saying while flexing his “guns” to impress himself.
“Model” who never works: Look for the under 5'10 man with little to no body contour. He’ll order shots at the bar and expect you to pay for them.
Persian “Gangsta” who lives in his parents Beverly Hills mansion: Expect to see some shaved man-cleavage, pierced ears, and sunglasses at night.
Midwest boy who thought life would be like Entourage: In what is perhaps the lamest of the male species, this particular kind will have zero sense of humor and no real personality. He’ll also have a closet full of shirts from the GAP.
Filmmaker who peaked in college: AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Unless you enjoy being talked down to by a pretentious nobody. Also, he’ll make you watch subtitled films.
Comedian/Hipster: Get ready to LOL. Except by LOL I really mean weep after spending two hours at an open mic only to listen to your beau perform 5 minutes of standup about how he can’t understand why he still gets skidmarks.
Writer/Waiter: Much in the vein of the Filmmaker who Peaked in College, this fine specimen will wax on and on about his screenplay/pilot/what have you, but never be willing to show you any of his work… Know why? Because he sucks at life and writing.
Closeted Gay: Aaaah, the draw of the well coiffed man with refined tastes in musical theater. This man will douse himself in designer clothing, visit the trendiest bars, and be impossibly handsome all while deftly avoiding any physical contact.
Try as hard as you want, ladies, it ain’t gonna happen.
Nice Guy who turns out to be a Scientologist: He’ll be sooooooo sweet. He’ll buy you stuffed animals, bring you flowers, and have a star named after you. There will be compliments, OH, there will be plenty.
There will also be a tour of the Scientology center off Franklin Ave. Carry a stun gun at all times.