La Rosa Knows

I think it was Thoreau who said, “Be true to your work, your word, and fuck all the haters.” Or whatever.

Regardless, it’s great advice. And I wish I would’ve taken it recently when a friend of mine said something this past weekend that was, well, not friendly at all. I won’t get into the play-by-play details of what happened, but I will say that he belittled my career.

[Insert sound of knuckles cracking.]

Because I’m not a mean person and not a huge fan of confrontation, I didn’t say anything to hurt him back. In the moment, I wanted to say a lot of things. Like, “You’re nothing but a jealous, Komodo dragon-looking bitch." Instead, I closed my mouth, walked away from the situation and took time to cool down.

Were I to do it all again, I still would not have said anything for the following reasons: 

• It’s better to take the highroad. Stay classy, folks.
• Anyone who is cruel enough to say something that will hurt your feelings doesn’t deserve your time, energy or witty comebacks.
• Just to further my point in #2: If a person is being cruel, it’s not because they hate you, it’s because they’re horrifyingly insecure. So insecure that they feel the need to take it out on you in an effort to make you feel just as badly as they do. It’s important not to give people like that the satisfaction of seeing you upset.

That being said, sometimes action is necessary and if you want to really bring it, here’s what you do:

1. Prepare for battle.

2. Get your bitchface on.

But, like, make it really bitchy.

3. Then say something short and sweet, like…

Because, in the end, you have better things to do than waste time with people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

And the truth is…

4. So, walk away and flip your beautiful weave…

5. And try to remember that…

6. This won’t be the last time you encounter a hater. But just take solace in the fact that they will die alone, while sometime in the near future you will sit on George Clooney’s lap, sipping champagne and not thinking about them at all, because they are less than nothing.

xoxo

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I should know, I was on it. Buh duh bump! Annnnnd I met my boyfriend through it. Cha cha ching!

But, in all seriousness, online dating be crayyy-zay.

No one knows this better than my friend, who shall remain nameless—per her request. Yet, for my own amusement, has been sending me updates as she navigates the world of Internet weirdos.

These are some of those weirdos.

1. Man whose photos suggest he might be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

2. Guy who wants to sound pretentious and smart

• This is a direct quote: “Most private thing willing to admit: Every time I fly, I stare out the window and look at what we have created and accomplished”

3. Gentleman who needs to be schooled on hair maintenance

4. Dude who actually said this: “First thing people notice about me: My presence” and then used the below photo. He’s not wrong.

5. Freaky fetish guy having a moment on a trunk

• “Most private thing I’m willing to admit: I dream of dating a woman with a wild or androgynous haircut. The rude girl haircut, dreadlocks, a single side buzzed while the top and opposite side are long and sleek. Homer is to donuts as I am to freaky hair!”

6. The Zombie who loves JESUS

• His message to my friend: “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. I don’t really want to talk to you about Jesus. I just imagine pretty girls like you who get swamped with messages need a good opening line to get your attention. You’ve read this far. Might as well read my profile and see how much we have in common.”

Happy dating, folks!

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From an early age I understood that romantic comedies were hyper exaggerations of what would be waiting for me once I got out into the dating world. I never bought into the idea of love at first sight, or that I’d fall for a man I thought was long lost and we’d kiss in the rain—though, that would be pretty awesome.

What I did take away was the ample tips I gleaned from watching actors go on faux first dates. These scenarios had clearly happened to the writers, and the actors, adults themselves, were most certainly pulling from their own life experiences, right? People are always afraid of first dates, but the real trick is to stay one step ahead of them and just know what to expect. Once you can get that part figured out, it’s smooth sailing.

So, I’ve done you all a solid and outlined what movies have taught me about first dates. You’re welcome.

Lesson: You’ll Get Knocked Up

Because of the massive amounts of alcohol you’ll have to drink just to get through one, you will get pregnant on a first date.

So, if you want to save yourself 30 or so pounds and a bunch of diapers, keep those parts in your pants and wait till date #2.

Lesson: Be Anti-Semitic

There’s no better time than a first date to bring up the rampant racism that your Grammy Hall harbors to the core. I mean, Annie told Alvy about it right up top and look—they had that adorable lobster scene together!

Don’t you want that?

Lesson: She Won’t Remember Your Name

It doesn’t matter how many waffle houses you build her, if you’re Adam Sandler and are reading this, at the end of the day (and the date) a chick won’t even bother to remember who the fuck you are.

Lesson: Don’t Trust a Hoe

Look, I get it: renting love for a night seems preferable to going to some cheesy restaurant, dropping a cool hundie and leaving with little more than a kiss goodbye.

But trust me when I say that you won’t be able to get rid of that hooker. When you leave for work you’ll come back and she’ll be in your bathtub, singing Prince and trying to negotiate a price for the week.

For the love of god, just don’t do it.

Lesson: You’ll Be Covered in Semen

Ladies, they may not have taught you this in sex ed, but men are constantly masturbating. They’re like The Terminator only it’s The Sperminator and their mission is to hose you down and pass it off as hair gel. I apologize in advance.

Anything I missed?!

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