La Rosa Knows

This is superrrrr awkward and extremely personal, but I feel I need to address it.

You may have heard last week about a comment that Joseph Gordon-Levitt made during a Comic-Con panel about what it was like to work with Emily Blunt:

“She’s funny … and let’s face it, most pretty girls aren’t funny.”

Well, (ha ha…), as you can imagine this caused quite the uproar in the blogosphere. Specifically among women who felt their looks and humor had been called into question by someone whose career started with a film called Angels in the Outfield.

I just wanted to clear something up because…I’m the only one who can.

You see, that comment wasn’t actually directed at Emily, the reporter, or the angry robots who run Gawker.

It was directed at me. Me. Erin.

Not because I’m a woman or in comedy, but because I, Erin La Rosa, pissed off G.I. Joe.

SIDENOTE: I should also explain that “G.I. Joe” is a pet name we came up with—we being myself and JGL—late one Thursday when we were watching G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra on Netflix and eating kale chips from Trader Joe’s (do you sense a theme here or what?). Anyways, JGL is in the film. He plays Doctor “Rex,” and as you can imagine this wasn’t the first time we’d watched it together.

In fact, one of G.I. Joe’s fave activities is watching films in which he stars and asking me what I think of it. For some reason, (probably because, like all actors, he’s insanely insecure), this makes him feel better and he claims that if we don’t watch then he, “will start drinking in his sleep.” Whatever that means.

Anyways, to make an already personal and awkward story short—the reason Joe made that comment at Comic-Con is because I didn’t want to watch 500 Days of Summer.

It was July 4, we had plans to go to Rian Johnson’s house in Malibu for a BBQ and I was wearing a super cute dress that I’d just bought half off at Topshop. The last thing I wanted was to sit on his leather sofa and watch that movie for what was, quite possibly, the 500th time this summer.

G.I. Joe sulked, he pouted, and at one point threatened to pull down his pants and do something that is too vulgar to mention on the Internet. (Think about that, too vulgar for a place where 2 Girls, 1 Cup, was allowed to be a thing.)

Needless to say I’d had just about enough of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, his Francophilia, and intense need to watch himself on a loop. I told him it was over—it being us—packed up my Topshop dress, went alone to Rian’s, and had myself a big old kosher hotdog topped with vegan chili. It was the best thing I’ve tasted in months.

Considering we’d just broken up, I took a small break from Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I’m not a complete monster.

I waited a week, then attempted to make a joke that was not about G.I. Joe at all. Repeat, NOT about JGL.

Eye roll. Sigh. Typical.

To be fair, he was freshly single and, well, I was too. So, I can see why he may have misconstrued this to be about him. I guess…

I thought this little public temper tantrum was the end of it. That is, until 2 days later when I heard about the comment he made in regards to Emily Blunt.

Sure, he can try to explain away that comment all he likes and claim it was his way of complimenting Emily, but I know the truth.

I know that what my now ex-Joe Joe was trying to do was make a little dig. He felt that I’d publicly humiliated him on Twitter and, feeling vulnerable, decided to do the same but on a much larger and far less subtle scale.

Well, Joseph, if you’re reading this (and I know you are), I get it. You win this round. Except you don’t, because now every funny, pretty lady in America hates you.

Maybe it’s time to take that trip to France that you’ve always talked about. Hell, knock yourself out with a loaf of baguette for all I care, just stop texting emoji’s of puppies and high heels to me. I don’t know what the hell that means and it’s creeping me out.

There, now you all know that truth.

• Tags
• comedy
• comic-con
• francophile
• gawker
• joseph gordon-levitt
• looper
• original content

Yes, your virgin flower is a precious gift from the gods and if anyone tries to take it don’t hesitate to stab them in the elbow.

That being said, there are some crucial lessons all virgins should learn before they, well, lose it forever. These are those lessons.

1. Movie: Cruel Intentions

Lesson #1: Never announce that you’re staying a virgin in Seventeen Magazine unless you want a couple of sexy, manipulative aristocrats to fight over you.

Lesson Number 2: Definitely announce your virginity in that magazine because of Lesson #1.

2. Movie: Teeth

Urban truth: All vaginas have razor sharp teeth that can be used indiscriminately for the purpose of revenge.

Ladies, if a guy doesn’t treat you right, asks you to dress as a french maid, etc. use that vagina dentata!

3. Movie: Almost Famous

Hippies have hoe tendencies, and your virgin seed is a novelty to them. Want your first time to be an orgie? Look no further than a group of gypsy on-the-brink band sluts.

Anything I missed?

• Tags
• almost famous
• comedy
• cruel intentions
• film
• movie
• sex
• teeth
• virginity
• original content

I’m not saying that President Obama won’t win the 2012 election—heck, I’ll be voting for this guy right next to all of the other diehard, froyo eating liberals.

But if he doesn’t…I’d hate to see him bored. Here’s what I’d suggest, as his future career counselor.

1. Unicorn trainer

As soon as you come out in support of gay marriage, the homosexuals gift you a unicorn.

And the ability to shoot rainbows from your wrists, like a gay Spiderman.

2. Wedding Singer

Contrary to popular belief, Barack didn’t get into Harvard because of stellar grades, his minority status or that excellent head of hair.

It was his ability to sing “Sexy Back” better than Justin Timberlake.

3. That job that Aaron Eckhart has in Thank You For Smoking

I’d buy cigarettes from that guy, probably.

(Probably?)

• Tags
• President Obama
• barack obama
• comedy
• original content