La Rosa Knows

Here’s something I’m only now willing to admit: I’m not 23 anymore. In fact, I’m 28, and next year I’ll be 29. You guys, I’m basically 40 now.

What made me come to this realization are a few things. The first being that I can no longer drink the way I used to. When I was 23, I was going out to clubs—yes, CLUBS—and taking shots that I would chase with whiskey. I’d head home around 2, eat a bowl of mac and cheese before bed, and wake up around noon the next day feeling pretty accomplished. If I tried to do that now, I would die. Not actually die, but nowadays I am done sauced after two glasses of wine. Give me three and my top comes off. I just don’t have the tolerance that I used to.

Then comes the whole metabolism thing. I’m lucky in that I haven’t had to worry too much about what I eat. At 23 I could have pizza and candy for dinner and know that as long as I didn’t go crazy the next day, no harm would be done to the size of my jeans. Cut to now, when I’m 28, and things are entirely different. If I want pizza, it means I need to monitor how many slices (two max) and go the gym for an hour the next day to make sure I can still zip up my pants. Salads are suddenly a staple. And candy? Sure, so long as I have an elastic waistband handy.

Other things that helped me realize I’m older? I don’t feel the need to stay up past 12 anymore, because I don’t care about what other people think of me. If I meet someone who’s acting like an asshole, I avoid them. I’m not nice to each and every person I meet, like I was at 23, ain’t nobody got time for that. And I’ve started to save massive amounts of money. Instead of shopping with the extra cash I have, I now squirrel it all away in a savings fund. What am I saving for? A house. That’s right. I want to buy some real estate, BECAUSE I’M OLD.

Even though I think a lot of this should be bothering me, it doesn’t. I mean, the metabolism thing SUCKS. It just does. But I can deal with it. Otherwise, getting old has been pretty nice. So far it seems to mean that I’m less insecure, more financially stable, and aware of who I am and what I really want to be.

I don’t know. I could also just be telling myself all of this so that I feel OK about basically being 40. But is anyone else going through something similar?

• Tags
• aging
• women
• my life
• weight
• 20-something

I should know, I was on it. Buh duh bump! Annnnnd I met my boyfriend through it. Cha cha ching!

But, in all seriousness, online dating be crayyy-zay.

No one knows this better than my friend, who shall remain nameless—per her request. Yet, for my own amusement, has been sending me updates as she navigates the world of Internet weirdos.

These are some of those weirdos.

1. Man whose photos suggest he might be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

2. Guy who wants to sound pretentious and smart

• This is a direct quote: “Most private thing willing to admit: Every time I fly, I stare out the window and look at what we have created and accomplished”

3. Gentleman who needs to be schooled on hair maintenance

4. Dude who actually said this: “First thing people notice about me: My presence” and then used the below photo. He’s not wrong.

5. Freaky fetish guy having a moment on a trunk

• “Most private thing I’m willing to admit: I dream of dating a woman with a wild or androgynous haircut. The rude girl haircut, dreadlocks, a single side buzzed while the top and opposite side are long and sleek. Homer is to donuts as I am to freaky hair!”

6. The Zombie who loves JESUS

• His message to my friend: “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. I don’t really want to talk to you about Jesus. I just imagine pretty girls like you who get swamped with messages need a good opening line to get your attention. You’ve read this far. Might as well read my profile and see how much we have in common.”

Happy dating, folks!

• Tags
• OK Cupid
• dating
• love
• men
• online dating
• relationships
• romance
• women
• original content

Look, I didn’t make the rules—this small church in Spain did. 12 of them, to be exact (see #10):

1. Women shall not appear on the streets of this village with dresses that are too tight in those places which provoke the evil passions of men.

2. They must never wear dresses that are too short.

3. They must be particularly careful not to wear dresses that are low-cut in front.

4. It is shameful for women to walk in the streets with short sleeves.

5. Every woman who appears in the streets must wear stockings.

6. Women must not wear transparent or network cloth over those parts which decency requires to be covered.

7. At the age of twelve girls must begin to wear dresses that reach to the knee, and stockings at all times.

8. Little boys must not appear in the streets with their upper legs bare.

9. Girls must never walk in out-of-the-way places because to do so is both immoral and dangerous.

10. No decent woman or girl is ever seen on a bicycle.

11. No decent woman is ever seen wearing trousers.

12. What they call in the cities ‘modern dancing’ is strictly forbidden.

• Tags
• bike
• bicycle
• women
• feminism
• church
• rules
• sexism

From an early age I understood that romantic comedies were hyper exaggerations of what would be waiting for me once I got out into the dating world. I never bought into the idea of love at first sight, or that I’d fall for a man I thought was long lost and we’d kiss in the rain—though, that would be pretty awesome.

What I did take away was the ample tips I gleaned from watching actors go on faux first dates. These scenarios had clearly happened to the writers, and the actors, adults themselves, were most certainly pulling from their own life experiences, right? People are always afraid of first dates, but the real trick is to stay one step ahead of them and just know what to expect. Once you can get that part figured out, it’s smooth sailing.

So, I’ve done you all a solid and outlined what movies have taught me about first dates. You’re welcome.

Lesson: You’ll Get Knocked Up

Because of the massive amounts of alcohol you’ll have to drink just to get through one, you will get pregnant on a first date.

So, if you want to save yourself 30 or so pounds and a bunch of diapers, keep those parts in your pants and wait till date #2.

Lesson: Be Anti-Semitic

There’s no better time than a first date to bring up the rampant racism that your Grammy Hall harbors to the core. I mean, Annie told Alvy about it right up top and look—they had that adorable lobster scene together!

Don’t you want that?

Lesson: She Won’t Remember Your Name

It doesn’t matter how many waffle houses you build her, if you’re Adam Sandler and are reading this, at the end of the day (and the date) a chick won’t even bother to remember who the fuck you are.

Lesson: Don’t Trust a Hoe

Look, I get it: renting love for a night seems preferable to going to some cheesy restaurant, dropping a cool hundie and leaving with little more than a kiss goodbye.

But trust me when I say that you won’t be able to get rid of that hooker. When you leave for work you’ll come back and she’ll be in your bathtub, singing Prince and trying to negotiate a price for the week.

For the love of god, just don’t do it.

Lesson: You’ll Be Covered in Semen

Ladies, they may not have taught you this in sex ed, but men are constantly masturbating. They’re like The Terminator only it’s The Sperminator and their mission is to hose you down and pass it off as hair gel. I apologize in advance.

Anything I missed?!

• Tags
• advice
• annie hall
• dating
• film
• first date
• movies
• relationships
• romantic comedy
• sex
• women
• original content