La Rosa Knows

I should know, I was on it. Buh duh bump! Annnnnd I met my boyfriend through it. Cha cha ching!

But, in all seriousness, online dating be crayyy-zay.

No one knows this better than my friend, who shall remain nameless—per her request. Yet, for my own amusement, has been sending me updates as she navigates the world of Internet weirdos.

These are some of those weirdos.

1. Man whose photos suggest he might be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

2. Guy who wants to sound pretentious and smart

• This is a direct quote: “Most private thing willing to admit: Every time I fly, I stare out the window and look at what we have created and accomplished”

3. Gentleman who needs to be schooled on hair maintenance

4. Dude who actually said this: “First thing people notice about me: My presence” and then used the below photo. He’s not wrong.

5. Freaky fetish guy having a moment on a trunk

• “Most private thing I’m willing to admit: I dream of dating a woman with a wild or androgynous haircut. The rude girl haircut, dreadlocks, a single side buzzed while the top and opposite side are long and sleek. Homer is to donuts as I am to freaky hair!”

6. The Zombie who loves JESUS

• His message to my friend: “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. I don’t really want to talk to you about Jesus. I just imagine pretty girls like you who get swamped with messages need a good opening line to get your attention. You’ve read this far. Might as well read my profile and see how much we have in common.”

Happy dating, folks!

• Tags
• OK Cupid
• dating
• love
• men
• online dating
• relationships
• romance
• women
• original content

From an early age I understood that romantic comedies were hyper exaggerations of what would be waiting for me once I got out into the dating world. I never bought into the idea of love at first sight, or that I’d fall for a man I thought was long lost and we’d kiss in the rain—though, that would be pretty awesome.

What I did take away was the ample tips I gleaned from watching actors go on faux first dates. These scenarios had clearly happened to the writers, and the actors, adults themselves, were most certainly pulling from their own life experiences, right? People are always afraid of first dates, but the real trick is to stay one step ahead of them and just know what to expect. Once you can get that part figured out, it’s smooth sailing.

So, I’ve done you all a solid and outlined what movies have taught me about first dates. You’re welcome.

Lesson: You’ll Get Knocked Up

Because of the massive amounts of alcohol you’ll have to drink just to get through one, you will get pregnant on a first date.

So, if you want to save yourself 30 or so pounds and a bunch of diapers, keep those parts in your pants and wait till date #2.

Lesson: Be Anti-Semitic

There’s no better time than a first date to bring up the rampant racism that your Grammy Hall harbors to the core. I mean, Annie told Alvy about it right up top and look—they had that adorable lobster scene together!

Don’t you want that?

Lesson: She Won’t Remember Your Name

It doesn’t matter how many waffle houses you build her, if you’re Adam Sandler and are reading this, at the end of the day (and the date) a chick won’t even bother to remember who the fuck you are.

Lesson: Don’t Trust a Hoe

Look, I get it: renting love for a night seems preferable to going to some cheesy restaurant, dropping a cool hundie and leaving with little more than a kiss goodbye.

But trust me when I say that you won’t be able to get rid of that hooker. When you leave for work you’ll come back and she’ll be in your bathtub, singing Prince and trying to negotiate a price for the week.

For the love of god, just don’t do it.

Lesson: You’ll Be Covered in Semen

Ladies, they may not have taught you this in sex ed, but men are constantly masturbating. They’re like The Terminator only it’s The Sperminator and their mission is to hose you down and pass it off as hair gel. I apologize in advance.

Anything I missed?!

• Tags
• advice
• annie hall
• dating
• film
• first date
• movies
• relationships
• romantic comedy
• sex
• women
• original content

When it comes to fighting, it’s my firm belief that men have absolutely no idea what actually pisses women off. Because if they did, I wouldn’t be half as mad as I am most of the time. Unfortunately, this leads to some confusion because, being the evolved and intelligent person that I am, I have a tendency to assume the same type of insight from my male counterparts.

This is where I would be wrong. You see, women give men too much credit. We assume that men analyze and decipher situations in the same way we do. Where we consult friends, our mothers, relationship books, and the almighty power of Google, men do no such thing. In fact, they usually do the opposite. In that they quickly forget about a fight soon after it’s ended.

It’s different for women, however. We never forget. And I mean that in the same way that Glenn Close won’t let Michael Douglas forget that they had sex in Fatal Attraction even though he clearly will never leave his wife, kind of way.

As such, I’d like to do the dudes of the world a solid and outline what ACTUALLY pisses women off. Even though you may think it’s her “period,” we actually tend to be a littttle more complicated. See below.

How to piss your Lady off:

• Thinking that a “date” includes your friends. Call me old fashioned, but the easiest way to turn me on is to DEFINITELY invite all of your friends out to dinner with us. I will FOR SURE want to play with your balls after they tell stories about the frat you all barfed in that one time. Oh, and after dinner, please take us to that dive bar where it smells like stale chicken wings. That always makes my bra pop off.

• Laugh at something your ex posted on your FB wall. That’s right fellas. Believe it or not we don’t want to know anything about your past relationships. We realize it may be necessary for you to tell us every gory detail – like how you guys tried anal one time but she stopped you before it got all the way in (true thing I was told, as a sidenote) – because men are emotionally repressed and have no one else to turn to. But take it from me, go see a fucking therapist. It will be worth every penny when we don’t have to imagine all of the other holes you’ve poked around in.
• Skid Marks. Look, I’ve never been the victim of a skid mark sighting… but I know they exist from watching R-rated movies. Bottom line: If you can’t figure out how to wipe your own ass, Imma be hella angry that I’m dating you.

• Wearing that ugly-ass shirt… again. Yes, you just looooove that football team from your old college, or whatever. But that shirt has a hole in the armpit and the stench of keg beer won’t come out no matter how many times you wash it. Time for a new shirt, guy.
• Falling asleep instead of having sex. Maybe all of my friends got an extra dose of slut on the way out of the birth canal, but every gal I know loves sex. Like, wants it all the time and can’t get enough. Only problem? Dudes talk a lot of game but rarely are able to perform as much as we’d like. 
• Not Being Jon Hamm. Seriously guys, get it together. Brush your fucking hair, grow a five o'clock shadow, become incredibly mysterious, eat something. Just be Jon Hamm.

• Tags
• jon hamm
• men
• dating
• relationships
• sex

I’ve been in Los Angeles for three years now. And, in that time, I’ve done my fair share of dating. To add to my knowledge I’ve also taken free drinks at bars from men I had no intention of ever sleeping with… oops!

Amidst the brothels venues of West Hollywood, Silverlake, Los Feliz, Downtown, Beverly Hills, Venice, Santa Monica and Hollywood, I’ve encountered all of the dregs of men that Los Angeles has to offer. These men can be deceiving, as they physically appear to be healthy and fit for the duty of dating…. But don’t be fooled, ladies! These males are to be avoided AT ALL COSTS.

Awfulus Agentus (aka CAA Agent Trainee): You may notice that he’s the only one in the bar wearing a suit. He’ll introduce himself with the line, “What do you do for work?” and buy you a red wine before jumping into a gripping story of how he once met Eli Roth in an elevator.

BEWARE

The Gym Rat: He only wears sleeveless shirts. You’ll find him by the closest mirror where he’ll pretend to listen to what you’re saying while flexing his “guns” to impress himself.

“Model” who never works: Look for the under 5'10 man with little to no body contour. He’ll order shots at the bar and expect you to pay for them.

Persian “Gangsta” who lives in his parents Beverly Hills mansion: Expect to see some shaved man-cleavage, pierced ears, and sunglasses at night.

Midwest boy who thought life would be like Entourage: In what is perhaps the lamest of the male species, this particular kind will have zero sense of humor and no real personality. He’ll also have a closet full of shirts from the GAP.

Filmmaker who peaked in college: AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Unless you enjoy being talked down to by a pretentious nobody. Also, he’ll make you watch subtitled films.

Comedian/Hipster: Get ready to LOL. Except by LOL I really mean weep after spending two hours at an open mic only to listen to your beau perform 5 minutes of standup about how he can’t understand why he still gets skidmarks.

Womp womp!

Writer/Waiter: Much in the vein of the Filmmaker who Peaked in College, this fine specimen will wax on and on about his screenplay/pilot/what have you, but never be willing to show you any of his work… Know why? Because he sucks at life and writing.

Closeted Gay: Aaaah, the draw of the well coiffed man with refined tastes in musical theater. This man will douse himself in designer clothing, visit the trendiest bars, and be impossibly handsome all while deftly avoiding any physical contact.

Try as hard as you want, ladies, it ain’t gonna happen.

Nice Guy who turns out to be a Scientologist: He’ll be sooooooo sweet. He’ll buy you stuffed animals, bring you flowers, and have a star named after you. There will be compliments, OH, there will be plenty.

There will also be a tour of the Scientology center off Franklin Ave. Carry a stun gun at all times.

• Tags
• dating
• los angeles
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• men
• tom cruise
• closeted gay
• persian
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I went hiking with a friend yesterday at Runyon Canyon, as you do in Los Angeles, and the subject of dating younger men came up. My friend had just been on a date with a 22-year-old, making their age difference just four years. But even after this one date, which went well – he paid, they made great conversation, little sparkles flying, etc. – she felt incredibly self conscious.

“I mean… he’s young,” she said.

Yes he is technically younger than her 26-year-old self, but does that really matter?

When I was 22, fresh out of college and living in NYC, I was a fucking mess. I landed my first job at Random House and was terrified out of my mind by my then boss. I lived in the Financial District with three other girls whom I met off Craigslist. We lived in a two-bedroom converted into a four-bedroom, my closet was in the hallway. My diet consisted solely of bagels and coffee. Most weekends were spent with my cousin, because he was in finance and would pay for my cabs home from the bars at 5 a.m. I got fatter and sadder when winter came around, and whenever it snowed I cuddled up with an electric heating blanket and watched Arrested Development episodes on DVD. I was immature and inexperienced and living in a city I didn’t deserve.

Then I met Christopher. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was flying home to Florida on a 6 a.m. flight. I had been out the night before, hadn’t gone to bed, and was wearing what I will lovingly describe as “hooker boots.” When I got to the airport I put on my headphones and slept until I was forced to board the plane.

I had the middle seat. He had the window. I put my head down. He offered me a piece of gum. Two hours later we had landed at Tampa International, and he asked for my number as we waited for our parents. He texted immediately, and I ignored because I WAS VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT, okay?!

Then I found him on Facebook and learned three very important things: 1) Christopher was a republican and this future relationship was doomed, 2) He was twenty years old, and 3) He looked like Taylor Hanson and that was enough for me to go on a date with him. And besides, we met on a plane! Who does that?! It had to be fate! It would be an amazing story to tell our kids! My life was a romantic comedy!

When we got back to New York we arranged for a date. He came to pick me up at my building and had a small, stuffed animal shark waiting for me because we had discussed my love of Shark Week on the plane. He took me to a restaurant that was so expensive they didn’t list the prices on the menu and, because he looked so dashing in his bomber jacket, they didn’t I.D. him when he ordered us a bottle of wine. He attended an Ivy League school, was sophisticated enough to open doors and stand when I left a table, and at the end of the night he gave me a really nice kiss.

Everything was great!! Fireworks!! I can’t believe someone kissed me!!

We spent the next two months gallivanting around New York, and I LOVED it. He had more impressive friends than I did – i.e. sons of ambassadors, and some chick who went to an art school and took us to a warehouse party where there was absinthe and pot brownies. He was my ticket into a world I had never experienced before, and I felt like I had struck some kind of social gold. It became enough of a thing that my friend turned to me one day over our Sunday brunch of omelets and mimosas to say, “I feel like you’re in Cruel Intentions and it’s scaring me.”

Yes, everything was very new and shiny and sparkleeee. For a while. Then things started happening. Like, Christopher telling me that he wanted to bring me up to his frat house for formals. We would all drink from a keg, or whatever, and it would be great! Or, when he would talk about what bars we couldn’t go to because “They totally i.d.”

The little things kept wadding up until they had formed a massive ball like the one in Indiana Jones and I just had to run run run as fast as my legs would carry me…

Did I say dating younger men is a good idea? Yeah, I take that back. It’s an awful idea. Run for your fucking life if you see one approaching.

• Tags
• younger men
• demi moore
• ashton kutcher
• love
• relationships
• sex
• dating