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Judgmental Sand Cat Is Judging You
And harshly!
How the Obese Lizard Stole Christmas
When my parents told me that George, our morbidly obese bearded dragon, was feeling “festive,” I was a little skeptical.
That is, until I saw this: George proudly perched in the very home he’d decorated with glittery balls and lifeless polar bears for Christmas. ‘Tis the season, after all!
He almost had me fooled. But what I didn’t realize was that George’s 2012 holiday naughtiness was just beginning…
Like trying to convince Santa to bring him on as the official 10th reindeer. (Rudolph’s a total bozo at this point, anyway.)
Or attempting to hide underneath the tree until Christmas morning to scare the willies out of us all…
When George knows full well that his hockey puck-like girth gives him away every time.
It was then that George realized something very important. The holidays aren’t about who buys the biggest gift or donning the shiniest bow. It’s not about the material things or higher status he’d been focusing all that time on.
Nay, you see, what George realized was this: Winning on Christmas isn’t about scaring people, or being BFFs with Santa. It’s about coming home for the holidays and maintaining your status as the biggest, baddest reptile in the joint. And so, he decided to forego the glitz and glam in favor of the most pure form of badass imaginable: au naturale.
With that epiphany, away from the presents George flew! But I heard him exclaim as he drew out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good bearded dragon night!”
The end. (?)
A Christmas haiku written by Chris and me.
Is this cat also you?
In case you’re wondering what Little Pete from Pete & Pete is up to….it’s this.
OK Cupid Has Crazy Ass People
I should know, I was on it. Buh duh bump! Annnnnd I met my boyfriend through it. Cha cha ching!
But, in all seriousness, online dating be crayyy-zay.
No one knows this better than my friend, who shall remain nameless—per her request. Yet, for my own amusement, has been sending me updates as she navigates the world of Internet weirdos.
These are some of those weirdos.
1. Man whose photos suggest he might be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs
2. Guy who wants to sound pretentious and smart
- This is a direct quote: “Most private thing willing to admit: Every time I fly, I stare out the window and look at what we have created and accomplished”
3. Gentleman who needs to be schooled on hair maintenance
4. Dude who actually said this: “First thing people notice about me: My presence” and then used the below photo. He’s not wrong.
5. Freaky fetish guy having a moment on a trunk
- “Most private thing I’m willing to admit: I dream of dating a woman with a wild or androgynous haircut. The rude girl haircut, dreadlocks, a single side buzzed while the top and opposite side are long and sleek. Homer is to donuts as I am to freaky hair!”
6. The Zombie who loves JESUS
- His message to my friend: “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. I don’t really want to talk to you about Jesus. I just imagine pretty girls like you who get swamped with messages need a good opening line to get your attention. You’ve read this far. Might as well read my profile and see how much we have in common.”
Happy dating, folks!
Christmas Traditions: Expectations vs. Reality
Every year we get nostalgic for the Christmas we see in movies and not the holiday that actually exists. Here are some of those wintry expectations versus the reality we all come to realize.
We Need to Talk About Snoopy the Cat
There are few moments in life when great things happen, but this morning my friend Ryan sent me the greatest gift of all: a new cat to stalk.
His/her name is Snoopy, and I think shim may be the greatest performing cat of all time, (even better than that jerk, Grumpy the Cat,) here’s why:
1. Sometimes Snoopy dresses like a coy debutante.
2. Other times, it’s a transvestite taking off her eye makeup.
3. But Snoopy can also play it cazh, like when he goes full on tourist overwhelmed at Disneyland.
4. And channeling other animals isn’t a problem, like this shot where she imitates a sea lion bellowing from the inside of someone’s drawer.
5. Look, it’s no secret that this cat’s a pro. Just look at the wink it pulled off WHILE in a bumblebee suit. That’s called talent, folks.
6. I also think it’s pretty impressive that she can do a spot-on impression of the senile old Russian lady in my building.
7. While at the same time manifesting into a ‘50s actress in her dressing room, just waiting for her closeup.
8. Then there’s the harder, more dominating S&M side to Snoopy.
9. While some mornings, Snoopy is all about comfort and, like me, often loses one of her socks.
10. In the end though, when the internet cat points will be tallied, I think we can all agree that this is quite simply: one cute kitty.
5 Stages of Running Into Someone From High School
The thing about holidays is this: You will run into someone you don’t want to see.
Because whether you’re home for Christmas or…whatever, you’re home. As in, back in the place where you grew up and went to high school.
Here’s a step-by-step guide of what will happen when that moment comes:
1. The Initial Shock
This is the moment when you first notice the other person across the room and instantly regress to the fat fuck you were in high school. It’s okay, you can get through this!!!
2. Realization That You’ve Won
Oh, shit, actually, upon further inspection, they are now the fat fuck and you have aged into your own hotness.
This feels good. Really good. So good that you might start maniacally laughing and thus have to scrunch your mouth tightly together so people won’t think you’re some hot, crazy bitch.
3. Forced Pleasantries
The problem with staring at someone is that, eventually, they’ll feel the coals of your judging hot eyes burning into them like a poker. When this happens you’ll be forced to actually make contact, turn your grimace into a scary smile and avoid talking about the fact that you hated them in high school. And vice versa.
4. Run Like Hell
The faster you leave, the better. Run hard and for as long as physically possible. The last thing you want is to stay too long and get sucked into a vortex where they continue to drink and do something horrifying, like suggest you two hang out again.
5. Go Big or Go Home
You managed to survive a high school hit and run and lived to tell the tale. Get your ass to the store, buy a studded jacket and some cotton candy, because you deserve to celebrate!
As a side note: If I ran into you this Thanksgiving and we went to high school together, don’t worry, this isn’t about you. It’s about that other person I saw at a bar. That time. At that place. In that thing that never happened.
7 Cats React to Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a time for turkey, family and, for cats, reflection.
1. Cat Got Your Tongue?
“Oh, you were expecting a turkey? That’s odd, because I just finished eating, skinning, and wearing the demolished carcasses plumes.”
2. Hello, Natives.
“I suppose you’d like me to share this Fancy Feast with you, but I shant. I just shant. Speaking of, I also shant in the litter box earlier today, so you should consider cleaning that up.”
3. Kitty Houdini.
“The second you turn your back, this will all disappear. Even that precious dark meat you like to save as leftovers. All. Of. It.”
4. Revenge Will Be Swift.
“Go ahead, laugh at the pumpkin head hiding behind an actual pumpkin, but after the turkey induced coma, you won’t be laughing any more. (Hint: It’s because I’ll be clawing off your face!).
5. Pilgrim in Repose.
"My body may still be functioning, but rest assured that my spirit is 100% dead.”
6. Fool Me Once, Shame On You…
“I was told that if I put on this bonnet, dress and bow, that there would be treats. I suggest someone bring those to me post haste, before the turkey gets it.”
7. There’s Only One Word.
“SOON.”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! XOXO, THE CATS
Why Taylor Swift’s Comment About Redheads Is Offensive
I recently saw the following headline: Taylor Swift Would Date a Ginger Man.
My initial thought was, “What did you say, bitch?” and I’ll tell you why.
She told Monsters & Critics the following: “I like people with red hair. I would do a ginger. I like Rupert Grint, the guy from the Harry Potter films.”
It’s shocking to me for a few reasons. The first, and perhaps most obvious, being the fact that she “would do” anyone. Seems like something I’d say, when sucking back a scotch on the rocks and Google imaging Magic Mike photos.
The second, and most important thing, being that she would think it’s okay to say something like that. “I like people with red hair. I would do a ginger.”
The thing that strikes me is…WHY is that even a thing to say? “I would do a ginger.” It’s not like she’d say, “I’d do a brunette,” or “I’d do a black person.”
It’s as if having sex with a person who has red hair is taboo, and she’s putting it out there. Like, “You know what I’d do that’s crazy? A ginger.”
What? Excuse me?
Don’t get me wrong, I love glorifying redhead men. I think they are extremely attractive and should be featured in leading male roles both onscreen and in everyone’s personal lives.
But when you go on record, as a celebrity, and say, “I would do a ginger,” it’s not okay. You’re not being edgy. You’re not being cute. And, personally, as a redhead, I find it offensive.
I can tell that what she said was innocuous, in her mind. But there’s also another part of it that feels like what she thought she was doing was giving red haired men the world over a solid.
Unfortunately, that’s not what this is. Paul Thomas Anderson saying, “I have a natural attraction to redheads,” is doing us a solid. Because in that sense, he’s treating it as normally as you would if you asked for someone’s preference.
But when you say, “I would do a ginger,” you’re not some big hero. Saying, “Guess what? I’d do one. I’d do that kid from Harry Potter, for example,” is not treating redheads as if they’re equals. It’s saying that we are different. Different enough that most people would not “do” them, but you would. It’s telling your fans that we’re a separate people, and that in no way is a message that I want to be put out there.
This could be a hyper-sensitive redhead diatribe, but maybe this is also one example in many of why things like Kick-a-Ginger day even exist. Because when you reinforce the idea that a group of people are an acquired taste, it doesn’t lead to inclusion, it leads to exclusion.
What do you all think? Am I just another hot headed redhead or do you hear what I’m saying?