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7 posts tagged holiday
How the Obese Lizard Stole Christmas
When my parents told me that George, our morbidly obese bearded dragon, was feeling “festive,” I was a little skeptical.
That is, until I saw this: George proudly perched in the very home he’d decorated with glittery balls and lifeless polar bears for Christmas. ‘Tis the season, after all!
He almost had me fooled. But what I didn’t realize was that George’s 2012 holiday naughtiness was just beginning…
Like trying to convince Santa to bring him on as the official 10th reindeer. (Rudolph’s a total bozo at this point, anyway.)
Or attempting to hide underneath the tree until Christmas morning to scare the willies out of us all…
When George knows full well that his hockey puck-like girth gives him away every time.
It was then that George realized something very important. The holidays aren’t about who buys the biggest gift or donning the shiniest bow. It’s not about the material things or higher status he’d been focusing all that time on.
Nay, you see, what George realized was this: Winning on Christmas isn’t about scaring people, or being BFFs with Santa. It’s about coming home for the holidays and maintaining your status as the biggest, baddest reptile in the joint. And so, he decided to forego the glitz and glam in favor of the most pure form of badass imaginable: au naturale.
With that epiphany, away from the presents George flew! But I heard him exclaim as he drew out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good bearded dragon night!”
The end. (?)
Christmas Traditions: Expectations vs. Reality
Every year we get nostalgic for the Christmas we see in movies and not the holiday that actually exists. Here are some of those wintry expectations versus the reality we all come to realize.
5 Places to Quietly Weep This Valentine’s Day
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! I’m sure most of you are well into the stages of pre/mid/post coitus, lubricating your lovers with copious amounts of champagne and chocolate covered somethings, but for those of you who aren’t…
I’ve done some truly diligent research. Whether you need a moment to weep over the fact that you’re alone, or Whitney Houston’s death is finally hitting you… There are a number of invaluable spots to have a good cry.
Here are my top 5 faves (in no particular order):
1.Bed Bath & Beyond
I’d recommend securing a spot in the “Bath” section of Bed Bath & Beyond. That way, when you start to dry heave tears, there will be towels at your disposal to mop off your face. I found that in the middle of the week, around 10:30 a.m. it’s particularly quiet (aka perfect for having an undisturbed nervous breakdown).
2. The Restroom in K-Mart
Aside from the fact that no one shops at KMart, if you do visit one of their stores you’ll notice that because of all the neon SALE signs, your sad face will go blissfully unnoticed. Retire to the restroom in the back of the store and not only will you have the place all to yourself, but you’ll also get to stare into the cracked bathroom mirror and watch the tears roll down your face (something I like to do mid cry to remind myself that THIS IS HAPPENING).
3. Lobby of a Funeral Home
The reason why this is ideal is fairly obvious- you’ll be in good company. Well, not like THAT, but you no what I mean, right? …Right?
Not only is it expected that you’ll cry at a funeral home, but no one will shoot you one of those, “Have some dignity and pull yourself the fuck together” looks. Fall onto one of the plush sofas, hysterically weep openly, and chances are you’ll be handed a box of Kleenex, patted on the back, and encouraged to let it all out.
4. A Strip Club
Plenty of people will be in da club: Unsightly older gentlemen, security guards, hookers with hearts of gold, and YOU.
The reason this is a viable option is that if you go to a strip joint in the middle of the day, sit down at a table, order a scotch, and start to sob, chances are the stripper will cry right back. Because, really, she’s a stripper working the off hours and she’s stuck with you for a sad sack of a customer. You can cry into each others arms!
5. A Romantic French Restaurant
While it may seem counter productive to go to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s Day, where all of the other patrons will be revving up to head home and, well, get it on, this is actually not the worst idea. The thing is, the lighting will be low so your leaky eyes will be obscured. There will likely be live music or, at the very least, a Sade CD playing, and that will muffle out the sound of you blowing your nose. Plus, if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to stress eat. Since it’s a holiday, you might as well treat yourself to some escargot, am I right?!?
Happy Valentine’s Day, from me to you. xoxo
Come on, you guys.
My Christmas tree is LEGIT.
What ‘Home Alone’ Taught Me About Being a Grown Up
Christmas Crack For You to Bite On.
First of all, this site Pinterest? AMAZING. I have found so many fun recipes there, and the layout is just pretty. I get glazey eyed on that site.
I’m having a holiday party and had to look up some things, here are my favorites so far…
Spicy GingerMan Cocktail- I like this one because of the ginger beer. Yummy!
For this recipe you crush up a bunch of candy canes, that sounds good to me… Candy Cane Cookies.
Pita Tree Apps. I kinda just like the look of these. Plus I enjoy me some avocado.
OREOS! ON THE BOTTOM!!
Cookies and Cream Cheesecake Cupcakes.
Obvi dovi we’ll be needing some eggnog.
Christmas Crack. Nuff said.
Recipe suggestions welcome!
Dear Santa…
BEHOLD!
My holiday dream/wish/GIMME list. After going over it I realize it may come off to some of you as sad/depressing/god-never-let-me-be-Erin. To those people I say, “Take pity on me! Buy me all of these things!”
The END is near… “Sip at Your Own Risk” Tumbler for $15.99
Oh, hello Woodland Creature Ring Set! Size 6, folks. ($19.99)
A Personal Assistant Organizer for all your… crap. ($13.99)
Ice Age Tray for $9.99
Yum nums. This Chocolate Pie Chart is just $20.
Welcome to my new duvet, only me.
Don’t Fur-Get to Write pad for $18.99
These Cream Crinkled Driving Gloves are perfect for punching bitches.
For all the book nerds… A “Marks the Plot” Coaster set for $24.99
Red Velvet Kitty slippers to sink my tootsies into! ($28)
This Lulu Frost bronze number necklace is GOING ON MY NECK.
Because I can’t be any more of a cat lady: the “Paw Me a Cup” Tea set for $45.99