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5 Stages of Running Into Someone From High School

The thing about holidays is this: You will run into someone you don’t want to see.

Because whether you’re home for Christmas or…whatever, you’re home. As in, back in the place where you grew up and went to high school.

Here’s a step-by-step guide of what will happen when that moment comes:

1. The Initial Shock

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This is the moment when you first notice the other person across the room and instantly regress to the fat fuck you were in high school. It’s okay, you can get through this!!!

2. Realization That You’ve Won

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Oh, shit, actually, upon further inspection, they are now the fat fuck and you have aged into your own hotness.

This feels good. Really good. So good that you might start maniacally laughing and thus have to scrunch your mouth tightly together so people won’t think you’re some hot, crazy bitch.

3. Forced Pleasantries

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The problem with staring at someone is that, eventually, they’ll feel the coals of your judging hot eyes burning into them like a poker. When this happens you’ll be forced to actually make contact, turn your grimace into a scary smile and avoid talking about the fact that you hated them in high school. And vice versa.

4. Run Like Hell

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The faster you leave, the better. Run hard and for as long as physically possible. The last thing you want is to stay too long and get sucked into a vortex where they continue to drink and do something horrifying, like suggest you two hang out again.

5. Go Big or Go Home

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You managed to survive a high school hit and run and lived to tell the tale. Get your ass to the store, buy a studded jacket and some cotton candy, because you deserve to celebrate!

As a side note: If I ran into you this Thanksgiving and we went to high school together, don’t worry, this isn’t about you. It’s about that other person I saw at a bar. That time. At that place. In that thing that never happened.