La Rosa Knows

I think it was Thoreau who said, “Be true to your work, your word, and fuck all the haters.” Or whatever.

Regardless, it’s great advice. And I wish I would’ve taken it recently when a friend of mine said something this past weekend that was, well, not friendly at all. I won’t get into the play-by-play details of what happened, but I will say that he belittled my career.

[Insert sound of knuckles cracking.]

Because I’m not a mean person and not a huge fan of confrontation, I didn’t say anything to hurt him back. In the moment, I wanted to say a lot of things. Like, “You’re nothing but a jealous, Komodo dragon-looking bitch." Instead, I closed my mouth, walked away from the situation and took time to cool down.

Were I to do it all again, I still would not have said anything for the following reasons: 

• It’s better to take the highroad. Stay classy, folks.
• Anyone who is cruel enough to say something that will hurt your feelings doesn’t deserve your time, energy or witty comebacks.
• Just to further my point in #2: If a person is being cruel, it’s not because they hate you, it’s because they’re horrifyingly insecure. So insecure that they feel the need to take it out on you in an effort to make you feel just as badly as they do. It’s important not to give people like that the satisfaction of seeing you upset.

That being said, sometimes action is necessary and if you want to really bring it, here’s what you do:

1. Prepare for battle.

2. Get your bitchface on.

But, like, make it really bitchy.

3. Then say something short and sweet, like…

Because, in the end, you have better things to do than waste time with people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

And the truth is…

4. So, walk away and flip your beautiful weave…

5. And try to remember that…

6. This won’t be the last time you encounter a hater. But just take solace in the fact that they will die alone, while sometime in the near future you will sit on George Clooney’s lap, sipping champagne and not thinking about them at all, because they are less than nothing.

xoxo

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As some of you know, I’m a writer and often a freelance one.

I’ve been working for various blogs—including Funny or Die, E! Online, Ecorazzi and Wetpaint—for a little over four years now. And, in my slow and steady climb up the blogging ladder, I’ve managed to glean some tips of the trade to pass on to other aspiring writers.

Previously, in Part 1 of my Free Advice to Aspiring Freelance Writers series, I dished out a guide on how to get jobs. What I want to go over now are TIPS—for getting, keeping and growing your prospects.

Tips for Beginners

• Expect nothing.

When you’re first starting out, freelance work typically pays on the low end of the spectrum. Or, at least that was the case for me. My first two jobs I did for free—because I had little to no experience and needed the clippings. Don’t be above taking a free gig to get some credits under your belt, because chances are the people applying for the high paying jobs already have clippings.

• Ask for help.

If you know someone who’s working (like me), there’s no harm in asking about available gigs or advice. But something to keep in mind is that I get approached a lot. On a weekly basis. Which means that people with better gigs are getting approached daily. Which means you need to stand out. So, if standing out means buying that person a coffee to discuss options—do it. No writer in their writerly mind would turn down caffeine. Plus, I’ve noticed that I tend to work harder for the people who invest a bit in me. (Even if it’s just out of guilt.)

• You’re a Writer.

Someone once gave me this wonderful piece of advice: When you’re asked about what you do for a living, do not reply with, “I’m trying to be a writer.” Instead say, “I am a writer.” People won’t take you seriously if you don’t take yourself seriously. Even if you aren’t getting paid to write yet, it doesn’t matter—fake it till you make it. (Right, Neil Gaiman?)

Tips for When You Have the Job

• Hard work pays off. Usually.

I’ve found this to be especially true at the low paying gigs. Chances are, the editors realize that getting paid $5 for a 200 word piece isn’t going to pay your rent. But, most of the time, if they see you’re kicking ass—they’ll promote you. Or give you a bonus at Christmas. Or a pat on the back. Awesome!

• Rule of Three.

I heard this on NPR, or maybe someone said it out loud in a coffee shop and I overheard them because I’m nosy as hell, but the point is that it’s spot on.

When working in the arts, you can be 2 out of these 3 things and end up OK: Fast, Friendly, Fucking Awesome.

In other words, you can be a total misanthrope—as so many writers are—but as long as you turn in your work on time and it’s quality, you’re good to go. Or, you can be super sweet and write well but take a long ass time to submit, that’s OK too. You get the gist.

• Give Back.

In the end, you never know who’s going to help you get your next job. I happily give advice and jobs to people who ask, because one day I may need the same thing and they’ll owe me, because karma deems it so.

Additionally, much like when searching for a job, I make a point to give actual, physical gifts to my bosses. Every man loves a good bottle of scotch, and every woman will appreciate a Starbucks gift card (or, if you’re like me, a good bottle of scotch). Whatever the case, make sure you let the people above you know that you’re grateful to have a job, and they’ll make sure to keep you there—if only for the free hooch.

Has this been helpful and, if not, will you please not tell me that?

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Last weekend I experienced the joys of being a bridesmaid.

My friend Janelle got married and, as such, I joined three other lovely ladies for the honor of wearing matching gowns and walking down an aisle…with a complete stranger.

Let me preface this by saying that I love weddings. I love being a bridesmaid. My friend looked FANTASTIC and I wept during the exchanging of the vows. It was a really fabulous event.

That being said, I’ve learned some things from this latest adventure. Life lessons that I hope future bridesmaids can improve from.

THESE are those lessons:

• Booze, Booze and More Booze
  

Behold, the bride and her matron of honor: They’ve got a Bloody Mary in one hand and champagne in the other—all smiles!

• Make Things Pretty

Want to know how to tame a “Bridezilla”? Make the bride feel beautiful at every possible moment.

For example, I arranged a lovely meat and cheese platter next to the makeup station. The Maid of Honor zoned the pictured table as a “pretty things only” space, (hence the garter, shoes, and bling). In this way, whenever the bride’s eyes tinge red and smoke billows from her ears, all you have to do is remind her of the truffle hors d'oeuvres on the adjacent table.

• Play Dumb

THIS is a final and critical lesson. If something bad or not so great is happening, pretend like nothing is wrong.

For example, the photographers missing? That’s weird. Not like he called you to say he was stuck in traffic and couldn’t really read the directions he’d written down earlier. No, that never happened, and you’re 100% sure he’ll be there any moment so the bride can have millions of beautiful memories to reminisce over in her old age. Nothing is at all wrong.

Did I leave anything out?

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