Amy Poehler Was A Model, Yo.
Amy Poehler during her days as a model.
How cute is this?? Little Poehler Candy Striper!
Bless the blog that dug this up.
Happy Humpday!
omg omg omg!!
My friend Lauren sent this to me with the message, "Acting like a schoolboy bitch."
The saddest Keanu!
Squishy Kitty Toes!
I dunno what's better, the squishy kitty toes or this bitch's nails.
LOLOL.
The Real Reason You Can’t Use Your Cell On A Plane.
Ya know how when you're on a plane they always tell you to turn your cellphones off with the implied threat that if you don't the plane will break in half and you'll end up on a deserted island with smoke monsters and polar bears a la LOST?
Well, according to a blog I stumbled upon that threat is total BS.
Granted, I have no idea how accurate the words of Ryan Brown are, or where he gets his knowledge from. But it's on Tumblr, and people reblogged it, so I guess that's good enough for me.
He Speaks The Truth.
There's a new meme generator... BUSINESS CAT.
Obviously, this guy is totally onto me.
On How I Frighten My Students Into Submission.
I have this theory about teaching, and that is that in order to maintain a certain level of obedience, my students must be terrified of me for at least the first month.
Tomorrow I start teaching again, and that means a whole crop of fresh faced 18-year-olds will stumble into my classroom with their bookbags and college sweatshirts and excitedly look to me for guidance.
This is where the mean mommy in me kicks in.
On a typical first day, I will wear all black or at the very least, dark intimidating colors. This is necessary, I believe, to thwart any confusing feelings they may have about my 1) Age and 2) Gender. You see, I am a young woman, not much older than they are, and the problem is that I tend to look younger.
At the gym this weekend, a trainer stopped me to ask how my semester was going. I explained it hadn't started yet, and he commented, "You don't look any older than 13, I mean, how can you be a teacher?"
Now, granted, this particular male may have very well been trying to woo me by suggesting I look pre-pubescent, which is creepy in itself, but comments of this nature are not uncommon.
That being said, I have to be careful of how I present myself to these students, because if I am too nice and too innocent then they will turn and try to eat me alive.
I have found that terrifying them off the bat is best, that way as the semester progresses and my heart starts to melt, they feel as if they have somehow earned this warm and kind teacher and are grateful to be rid of the evil version of me.
And if they act up, I can always once again don my black garbs and glasses and schedule an impromptu assignment. It's that simple.
Did I mention I learned everything I know from a little book called Miss Nelson is Missing?
So, my gameplan is as follows:
-For what I will wear: Navy blue pleated skirt that goes down past the knees, a dark sweater and undershirt, black kitten heels, glasses, hair in a bun.
-For how I will behave: I will start the class off by letting my students file in, and sit in dead silence at my desk until they are all present. Then, I will take attendance, pass out my syllabus, and present them with an impromptu in-class essay to crush their spirits. Hooray!
After 45 minutes of silent writing, I will ask them to turn in their papers, and then reveal what their homework for the next class is; thus giving the impression that they are entering into a dimly lit tunnel of endless assignments.
-For ending the class: I will ask if there are any questions and, when everyone shakes their heads 'no' out of fear, I will turn on my heel and say "Class Dismissed."
I believe this will all work out well, particularly for me.
It’s Hard To Sleep On A Fur Pillow :(
I took time from my road trip to Utah to watch this really amazing video of my boyfriend, Josh Groban singing Kanye West tweets.
This is probably one of the best treats I've had all week.
Enjoy, you lucky bastards.
My Bucket List In Real Time.
Okay, so over on my Tumblr I published a bucket list, which I felt the need to put into writing because I just kind of assumed it's what you do as you get older. Some of my friends made fun of me because it's stereotyped to be an activity dying folks participate in, but I really don't care.
Ever since I published the list, I've been steadily crossing things off. This past year I went backstage at the Hollywood Bowl (#63), performed standup (#5), went to the X Games (#33), wrote a play (#7), and had a sketch on Funny Or Die (#37).
Now, as I jump into 2011 I am working on bucket list item #50- INTERVIEW A POLYGAMIST.
As I type this I am in a $25 a night motel in Cedar City, Utah with my friend from grad school, Elizabeth. She is working on a book about mormons and asked if I'd be interested in tagging along on her road trip. Obviously, I jumped at the opportunity, and over the next four days I am making it my mission to meet and speak with a polygamist.
Our itinerary is pretty open, we are scheduled to leave Cedar City tomorrow and head to Provo, then off to BYU and Salt Lake, making pit stops in small, rural communities along the way. We drove for 8 hours today and stopped to eat at local diners, for dinner we split a turkey sandwich, fries, and a chocolate cream pie with sliced bananas on top. So far, so good— photos to come!
I'm putting my bucket list below, it will take some time to cross all these off but here’s how it’s shaping up.
1- Swim with sharks
2- Hike in Alaska
3-Host SNL
4- Walk across the Great Wall of China
5- Perform standup (Signed. Sealed. Delivered.)
6- Write a book
7- Write a play
8- Visit Cinque Terre
9- Learn Italian
10- Learn how to make sushi
11- Go to a restaurant and buy dinner for a random family (anonymously)
12- Start a foundation
13- Volunteer in India
14- See the Taj Mahal
15- Meet my boyfriend (Josh Groban)
16- Feed a village in Africa
17- Sing a song with a live band in front of an audience
18- Party at the Playboy mansion
19- Write an article for The New Yorker
20- Be on NPR
21- Walk in a protest
22- Win an award for teaching
23- Go to Paris for a weekend. Tell no one.
24- Go to the Oscars
25- Be a guest on the Tonight Show
26- Get a PhD
27- Ring the bell at the NYSE
28- Help build a house
29- Go camping
30- Skinny dip
31- Sky dive
32- Travel through wine country
33- Go to the X Games (GOT TICKETS!)
34- Go to the Olympics
35- Go to the Superbowl
36- Go to the World Series
37- Have a sketch on Funny or Die
38- Teach my mom how to swim (she refuses to learn. I am determined.)
39- Go apple picking
40- Have a sandwich named after me
41- Learn the thriller dance
42- Be on a float in a parade (I rode in a cop car during a parade as a prize for winning a slogan contest. Doesn’t count.)
43- Mardi Gras in New Orleans
44- Carnival in Brazil
45- Zip line in Costa Rica
46- Go to Sundance
47- Build a successful website (this one?)
48- Go on a yoga retreat
49- Have/be on a billboard in Times Square
50- Interview a polygamist
51- Ride in a car with a storm chaser
52- Visit and bet on the Kentucky Derby
53- Get a tattoo
54- Complete the Sunday NYT’s crossword puzzle
55- Learn how to play chess
56- Take a photography class
57-Visit Forks with Gabby and Kristen, go on Twilight tour
58-Bike across America
59- See a moose in the wild
60- Go to a speakeasy in NYC
61- Make dinner for friends once a month (STARTED)
62- Make Thanksgiving dinner
63- Be backstage at the Hollywood bowl
My Blackberry Cross To Bear.
For some time now I've been adverse to the idea of getting an iPhone/Blackberry/Droid/or really any smart phone for a number of reasons. I don't like the idea of people being able to find me whenever they like, but also I've watched my friends slowly disappear at dinners, cease talking at parties, and completely disengage eye contact over coffee, because they are too busy checking their emails or playing some weird birds game on their phone.
So, to this end I have felt that it's my duty to be the one that takes a stand against the evil smart phone domination.
That is, until a few weeks ago when I lost out on a job opportunity because I wasn't able to respond to an email until I got home to my apparently ancient computer. Then my judgement against smart phones turned to bitter resentment and finally revenge. And so I asked Santa to bring me a Blackberry for Christmas.
I can now check my email/FB/Twitter what have you wherever I am, and this has already become a blessing and a burden. The first few days of ownership I've had the phone at the ready, gently stroking the sides with my index finger, waiting to see the flashing red light at the top of the screen that lets me know that someone wants to talk to me, ME!
However, our honeymoon is already sinking into the bottomless ocean of regret. People can get in touch with me too easily now, I feel. And even though I only have 4 BBM friends I'm convinced that they too will get angry when I forget to read their messages. All at once I am obligated to this phone and simultaneously wishing its demise. I imagine this is how a teen mother feels when she assumes that a baby will fill the insecure and meaningless depths in her life, only to discover that she'd rather be in college or anywhere that doesn't require her to change diapers and breastfeed.
I'm not sure what my Blackberry future holds, but let's just say that right now we're having an off day.
Enjoy My Face.
I needed a break from editing at home and played with photo booth.
You're welcome.