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Sexual Fetishes I Wish Existed

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There are a lot of sexual fetishes I wish I didn’t know about. For example, Plushophilia—or a sexual attraction to teddy bears. (Stay the fuck away from my teddy bear!!!)

Then there are those I wish existed, but to my knowledge do not. These are those wishes…

Enemysadism

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Oh, what’s that? You’re turned on by the idea of destroying all my enemies with your beastly hands?!

That sounds like maybe the sexiest thing ever, boo.

PS- That’s a hot ass braid you got on.

Massagelinctus

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I define this as the ability to only become aroused after giving me a marathon massage. Say, 5-7 hours in length wherein the only words uttered include, “Turn over” and “Is this hard enough”?

Also, those are unintentionally sexual but ripe for fetishism, no?!

Goslingphilia

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What do women want? Ryan Gosling. When do we want him? Now.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure why more straight men aren’t modeling themselves after the Adonis that is the Gosling. If I were a straight dude I would have a fetish for this man that was borderline in need of a restraining order, and you know what? I’d get chicks. I’d get them ALL.

If dudes just wore similar clothing, grew facial hair and started every sentence with “Hey girl,” the world would be a much happier place.

Incidentally, if you are the man who created these “How To Look Like Ryan Gosling” videos, I applaud you and humbly request that you contact me post haste.

VacationHomesera

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Maybe you’re a man who can only achieve orgasm after purchasing a destination vacation home and you want me right there with you. I don’t know!!!

All I’m saying is that while others might judge you, I wouldn’t stop you from doing this. No, boo, I’d understand your needs and encourage them. I’d help you seek out new areas of the world to pillage and mark with your sexually deviant appetite.

Call me.

Spaghetti Fetishism

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Classified Ad would read:

Desperately seeking a man who finds that watching a woman eat an entire bowl of spaghetti and meatballs is stimulating.

Should agree with Sophia Loren when she said, “Everything you see I owe to pasta.”

Please reply with A/S/L.

Did I miss anything??

Ryan Gosling Wants to Make Babies.

I was sent this article by a deliberate pace. The headline: “Ryan Gosling says he’ll eventually quit acting to focus on babies”…

Gosling stated, “I’d like to be making babies but I’m not, so I’m making movies. When someone comes along I don’t think I’ll be able to do both and I’m fine with that. I’ll make movies until I make babies. I have no idea when the handover will happen.”

Oh…

Finally Saw ‘Crazy Stupid Love’

If you’ve already seen this movie then I think you’ll agree that the title is a little like Fuck, Marry, Kill. Except in this case you leave the theater tormented between choosing ‘Crazy’ or 'Stupid,’ with 'Love’ never coming into the equation.

Let’s get something straight: I LOVE rom-coms. And I should have loved this movie because it has all of the elements for a successful one; cute men, loss of love, redemption, grand romantic gestures, a speech at the end that begs for forgiveness, my boyfriend JOSH GROBAN. All of these things should have added up and formed a little bubble of love around my head.

But, alas, not the case.

I had heard great things about this movie, perhaps too many things. “It’s AMAZING!!” “You’ll love it!” “It has Josh Groban in it!!”

However, as the movie came to a close and the lights came up, David turned to me in the theater and asked, “What did ya think?”

What I think is that it didn’t work. Yes, there were moments I loved (i.e. when Steve Carell is lurking outside of Julianne Moore’s window and walks her through how to get the pilot light on), but overall I was disappointed.

It’s like they threw all of the ideas they ever had for a romantic comedy into one script and tied it together with frayed threads, hoping it wouldn’t snap as they stretched it all out into a movie.

To be fair I loved Emma Stone, she’s adorable, and Ryan Gosling kept his shirt off for an agreeable amount of time.

But I did not LOVE this movie. In the FMK scenario, I would, perhaps, Fuck this movie and go home, take a hot shower, and scrub the memory away into the drain.

Any thoughts here? Care to disagree?