La Rosa Knows

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This is All Your Fault.

You may have tried to forget a little film that came out last year aptly titled, VALENTINE’S DAY. It starred about a million mostly C-list actors (cough cough, Jessica Biel), some non actors (looking at you, Taylor Swift), and some folks I was confused about because they are either incredibly desperate or have the WORST agents in the world ( i.e. Anne Hathaway).

In my heart of hearts, I’d like to say that this god-awful film about nothing TANKED. But, alas, it didn’t. It cost $52 mil to make, and grossed $217 mil in total.

Okay, so, apparently WE the American public are idiots. We go to shitty movies, we buy popcorn, we get fatter and dumber by the minute. And you know what Hollywood is giving us in return for our stupidity?

NEW YEAR’S EVE!

That’s right bitches. From the director of fucking VALENTINE’S DAY. You know what else these two films have in common - aside from titles being based on holidays? The incomparable, Ashton Kutcher, and the egg-shaped witch doctor who tricked Justin Timberlake into a relationship, Jessica Biel.

SO! What have we learned here? If you pay to go watch shit, you will be rewarded with shit*. Because if the producers of the world think there’s some kind of kooky formula to earn millions of dollars, they will squeeze the life out of it until all of the money they can get is piled into their mega mansion swimming pools.

Please, I beg of you, do not pay good money to go see NEW YEAR’S EVE. I know that Seth Meyers is in it, and he’s about as nerd-sexy as it gets. He’s also featured in the previews– which may make it seem like he’s the star. But he’s not. You know who the stars are? Let me give you some hints:

Jon Bon Jovi

Ryan Seacrest

John Stamos

Ludacris

I wish I was kidding with this cast list, but I’m not. I’m serious when I tell you that this film will be bad. It’s formulaic, and predictable, and not funny. How do I know this? LOOK AT THE DAMN POSTER! It’s insultingly similar to Valentine’s Day!

Okay, okay. I’m calming down. I won’t let this stress me out any more than it already has. But let me just say this one last thing… YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY!

(*Ashton Kutcher)

Justin Timberlake Will Not Have Sex On You (Or Me).

Justin Timberlake doesn’t believe in casual sex, one-night stands, or his groupies happiness.

“[Casual sex is] a really good idea until it becomes a bad idea. It probably becomes a bad idea really fast,” he stated.

But what if you’re a redhead who’s only 4-inches away from being declared a little person and sometimes you buy a bag of Goldfish and wake up the next morning surrounded by orange crumbs and regret??

Nope. No dice.

“If you’re going to be intimate with someone at some point somebody’s going to feel something,” he said. “They’ll develop a feeling but it’s going to be uh, uh.”