6 posts tagged jon hamm
Jon, what is this?
I’ll have a water, no ice.
That thing where Jon Hamm meets LMFAO.
ZOU BISOU BISOU
When it comes to fighting, it’s my firm belief that men have absolutely no idea what actually pisses women off. Because if they did, I wouldn’t be half as mad as I am most of the time. Unfortunately, this leads to some confusion because, being the evolved and intelligent person that I am, I have a tendency to assume the same type of insight from my male counterparts.
This is where I would be wrong. You see, women give men too much credit. We assume that men analyze and decipher situations in the same way we do. Where we consult friends, our mothers, relationship books, and the almighty power of Google, men do no such thing. In fact, they usually do the opposite. In that they quickly forget about a fight soon after it’s ended.
It’s different for women, however. We never forget. And I mean that in the same way that Glenn Close won’t let Michael Douglas forget that they had sex in Fatal Attraction even though he clearly will never leave his wife, kind of way.
As such, I’d like to do the dudes of the world a solid and outline what ACTUALLY pisses women off. Even though you may think it’s her “period,” we actually tend to be a littttle more complicated. See below.
How to piss your Lady off:
- Thinking that a “date” includes your friends. Call me old fashioned, but the easiest way to turn me on is to DEFINITELY invite all of your friends out to dinner with us. I will FOR SURE want to play with your balls after they tell stories about the frat you all barfed in that one time. Oh, and after dinner, please take us to that dive bar where it smells like stale chicken wings. That always makes my bra pop off.
- Laugh at something your ex posted on your FB wall. That’s right fellas. Believe it or not we don’t want to know anything about your past relationships. We realize it may be necessary for you to tell us every gory detail – like how you guys tried anal one time but she stopped you before it got all the way in (true thing I was told, as a sidenote) – because men are emotionally repressed and have no one else to turn to. But take it from me, go see a fucking therapist. It will be worth every penny when we don’t have to imagine all of the other holes you’ve poked around in.
- Skid Marks. Look, I’ve never been the victim of a skid mark sighting… but I know they exist from watching R-rated movies. Bottom line: If you can’t figure out how to wipe your own ass, Imma be hella angry that I’m dating you.
- Wearing that ugly-ass shirt… again. Yes, you just looooove that football team from your old college, or whatever. But that shirt has a hole in the armpit and the stench of keg beer won’t come out no matter how many times you wash it. Time for a new shirt, guy.
- Falling asleep instead of having sex. Maybe all of my friends got an extra dose of slut on the way out of the birth canal, but every gal I know loves sex. Like, wants it all the time and can’t get enough. Only problem? Dudes talk a lot of game but rarely are able to perform as much as we’d like.
- Not Being Jon Hamm. Seriously guys, get it together. Brush your fucking hair, grow a five o'clock shadow, become incredibly mysterious, eat something. Just be Jon Hamm.
Mad Men season 4 premieres tonight.
In unrelated news, I just blacked out.