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5 Stages of Running Into Someone From High School

The thing about holidays is this: You will run into someone you don’t want to see.

Because whether you’re home for Christmas or…whatever, you’re home. As in, back in the place where you grew up and went to high school.

Here’s a step-by-step guide of what will happen when that moment comes:

1. The Initial Shock


This is the moment when you first notice the other person across the room and instantly regress to the fat fuck you were in high school. It’s okay, you can get through this!!!

2. Realization That You’ve Won


Oh, shit, actually, upon further inspection, they are now the fat fuck and you have aged into your own hotness.

This feels good. Really good. So good that you might start maniacally laughing and thus have to scrunch your mouth tightly together so people won’t think you’re some hot, crazy bitch.

3. Forced Pleasantries


The problem with staring at someone is that, eventually, they’ll feel the coals of your judging hot eyes burning into them like a poker. When this happens you’ll be forced to actually make contact, turn your grimace into a scary smile and avoid talking about the fact that you hated them in high school. And vice versa.

4. Run Like Hell


The faster you leave, the better. Run hard and for as long as physically possible. The last thing you want is to stay too long and get sucked into a vortex where they continue to drink and do something horrifying, like suggest you two hang out again.

5. Go Big or Go Home


You managed to survive a high school hit and run and lived to tell the tale. Get your ass to the store, buy a studded jacket and some cotton candy, because you deserve to celebrate!

As a side note: If I ran into you this Thanksgiving and we went to high school together, don’t worry, this isn’t about you. It’s about that other person I saw at a bar. That time. At that place. In that thing that never happened.

7 Cats React to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time for turkey, family and, for cats, reflection.

1. Cat Got Your Tongue?


“Oh, you were expecting a turkey? That’s odd, because I just finished eating, skinning, and wearing the demolished carcasses plumes.”

2. Hello, Natives.


“I suppose you’d like me to share this Fancy Feast with you, but I shant. I just shant. Speaking of, I also shant in the litter box earlier today, so you should consider cleaning that up.”

3. Kitty Houdini.


“The second you turn your back, this will all disappear. Even that precious dark meat you like to save as leftovers. All. Of. It.”

4. Revenge Will Be Swift.


“Go ahead, laugh at the pumpkin head hiding behind an actual pumpkin, but after the turkey induced coma, you won’t be laughing any more. (Hint: It’s because I’ll be clawing off your face!).

5. Pilgrim in Repose.


"My body may still be functioning, but rest assured that my spirit is 100% dead.”

6. Fool Me Once, Shame On You…


“I was told that if I put on this bonnet, dress and bow, that there would be treats. I suggest someone bring those to me post haste, before the turkey gets it.”

7. There’s Only One Word.