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How the Obese Lizard Stole Christmas

When my parents told me that George, our morbidly obese bearded dragon, was feeling “festive,” I was a little skeptical.

That is, until I saw this: George proudly perched in the very home he’d decorated with glittery balls and lifeless polar bears for Christmas. ‘Tis the season, after all!


He almost had me fooled. But what I didn’t realize was that George’s 2012 holiday naughtiness was just beginning…


Like trying to convince Santa to bring him on as the official 10th reindeer. (Rudolph’s a total bozo at this point, anyway.)


Or attempting to hide underneath the tree until Christmas morning to scare the willies out of us all…


When George knows full well that his hockey puck-like girth gives him away every time.


It was then that George realized something very important. The holidays aren’t about who buys the biggest gift or donning the shiniest bow. It’s not about the material things or higher status he’d been focusing all that time on.

Nay, you see, what George realized was this: Winning on Christmas isn’t about scaring people, or being BFFs with Santa. It’s about coming home for the holidays and maintaining your status as the biggest, baddest reptile in the joint. And so, he decided to forego the glitz and glam in favor of the most pure form of badass imaginable: au naturale.


With that epiphany, away from the presents George flew! But I heard him exclaim as he drew out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good bearded dragon night!”


The end. (?)

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