La Rosa Knows

Scroll to Info & Navigation

The Provo Chronicles: Poisoning Of The Water.

Okay, so let me just tell you that I woke up this morning in good spirits. We had slept in an actual bed last night, I took a hot shower this morning, I look cute in winter gear, things were looking up.

But! As mentioned in last night’s post, we had some concerns regarding the coffee situation and what we’d be able to find come dawn. After getting dressed and making sure we were wearing Mormon-friendly attire, we set off towards breakfast.

As we drove down University Ave, past BYU, and sidewalks piled high with snow, we spotted Kneaders Bakery & Cafe— a spot that promised endless french toast slices and, drumroll please, freshly brewed java!!

We made a sharp U-turn and pulled into the parking lot, two junkies eager to find our morning fix.

To give you an idea we each ordered coffee and a breakfast sandwich. All seemed well with the world as we anxiously awaited the caffeine to hit our shriveled veins. Once we finished we got back in the car and set off for Salt Lake City.

Surely the caffeine would kick in and then we’d really be moving. Any minute now. Big yawn. Yup, just in a second it’ll….

OMFG. The Mormon chain/poor man’s Panera gave us effing DECAF coffee!!

Now, let me be clear here because there was a Decaf and Regular option. We CHOSE regular and pumped the coffee into our cups on our own. But despite this, we still got decaf, and not the kind of decaf that will give you a light buzz, this was decaf decaf. Flavored muddy water kind of roast not suitable for street urchins to drink out of the trash.

I was livid.

We tried to pull off at an exit on the way to Salt Lake that promised Starbucks— a national chain that we knew and could trust to pump us full of caffeine. We circled the town and no such thing existed, there was a “Beans & Things” local spot, but both of us had been burned so badly that we were not about to try another local establishment.

We waited until we got to Salt Lake; into Temple Square and the shopping district and the area around the University. Nothing. I pulled out my smart phone (thank sweet sassy christ for you, Blackberry), and Googled “Salt Lake City Downtown Coffee.”

To our utter delight there actually IS a Starbucks in Salt Lake. I have a coffee in my hand, and Elizabeth a latte. We couldn’t be happier. My headache is gone, my eyes are fully open, and I feel like we can now take on the Brigham Young memorial and burial site (yup, we’re going).

But I now know this: Mormons do not play around, and they are subtle in their punishing of outside gentiles which makes them sneakier than most. NEVER get coffee from a Mormon chain and expect good things to come of it. Never again.

Recent comments

Blog comments powered by Disqus