It’s that time of year again: Justin Bieber’s new album is coming out!
Because you’re “in the know” and “hip as shit” you’re likely already aware that the album debuts on June 19 and is titled Believe.
I’ll be perfectly honest: To me, a jaded Belieber, this seems like less of an artistic endeavor and more like an opportunity for the Biebs to strut around and show off how cool he is. And he is cool.
There! I said it.
Don’t Belieb me? See below.
Reason: He’s Virile
Ever almost gotten an older woman pregnant backstage at one of your concerts?
No? Didn’t think so, losers.
Reason: Slimed, Slimed, Slimed
If you grew up watching Nickelodeon, like me, then deep down you’ve always wanted to get slimed.
God didn’t want you to have that kind of fulfillment, though, did he?. Know who he chose instead?
Reason: He Loves Basketball More Than People
I mean, do you see how passionate he is about this Lakers game? There’s nothing more important than this. Nothing.
That’s fucking cool!
Reason: He’s Secretly a Feminist
Name one other Prince de Pop who’s gone door-to-door selling cookies for the Girl Scouts of America. Try to name one, I dare you!
Reason: He’s Into S&M
Here’s the thing: You don’t just let people beat you up and take photos for nothing, amiright Rihanna?